Archive for April, 2010
The Fastest 40 Minutes of Church
As attendance rates level off, church officials are looking to new methods of attraction to grow their congregation. One local church in downtown Columbia, The Mid-Missouri Divided Methodist Church, may be on the leading edge of growing their following with a little help from a local celebrity. With a reputation of having the most exciting [...]
Columbia Driver Discovers meaning of Turn Signal
Columbia — Saturday morning was just like any other for Jenny Throm, until she made a startling discovery. She had just dropped off her two daughters at school and was heading to yoga class in her 2008 GMC Denali along East Nifong Boulevard. Unexpectedly, a dog ran in front of her car/truck/tank, forcing her to [...]
Sobriety Checkpoints a boom for business
Columbia, MO—Recent statistics show that for every Columbia inhabitant, four traffic cones exist. The rise in traffic cone population is directly related to the numerous construction projects and sobriety checkpoints occurring around the area. Missouri Department of Transportation officials confirm that approximately 400,000 cones exist within Columbia city limits. This number generally elevates by 10-20% on weekend [...]
Downtown Cameras watch more than Criminals
Proposition 1, allowing downtown cameras for surveillance, passed on Tuesday with almost 60% of the vote. Voters, known for not actually reading the fine print, granted approval without knowing the cost, how many cameras would be used, where they should be placed. Taking a closer look at the proposition revealed the answers. In these tough [...]
Craigslist CEO Unclassified
Columbia, MO—Craigslist founder Craig Newmark was in town but disappointing those in attendance yesterday due to his not being classified. Unfortunately, unlike most of the online classifieds he represents, Mr. Newmark was not for sale. Even worse, his laptop, clothes and watch were not classified either. Interviewing attendees after the show, FCN found a majority [...]
Elderly vote on mystery meat today
Columbia, MO—The residents of Boone County will take to the polls today. The jobless and elderly will likely constitute the majority of those voting as most citizens in this area don’t bother themselves with such trivial issues. Voters in Columbia will get Obama-like change whether they want it or not. Starting with the mayor, religious leaders [...]
Kim English goes Pro and changes name
Columbia, MO—Mizzou basketball star Kim English has decided to change his name to Kim Spanish and turn pro to play basketball in Mexico. The announcement has left the Tiger basketball nation reeling. Terms of the deal are still be negotiated but a large percentage of his pay will be in the form of burritos. However, [...]
Drive-Thru Medicine Now On Value Menu
Columbia, MO—The University Hospital in Columbia has scheduled drive-through flu shot clinics beginning May 1. Those seeking medical attention need only drive their car through the medicinal markers, place their order via the two-way speaker and proceed to the first window to pay, then to the second window to receive treatment. “It was really cool, I [...]
Bass Pro Shops Unveils New Marketing Effort
Columbia, MO — Slashing marketing budgets is nothing new, especially in this economy, but in the face of such challenges Bass Pro Shops has decided to take a completely new approach to advertising. “We’ve done all sort of advertising over the years,” said Butch Gitcha, Director of Marketing for Bass Pros Shops, “print, TV, direct [...]
