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Elderly vote on mystery meat today

Columbia, MO—The residents of Boone County will take to the polls today. The jobless and elderly will likely constitute the majority of those voting as most citizens in this area don’t bother themselves with such trivial issues.

Voters in Columbia will get Obama-like change whether they want it or not. Starting with the mayor, religious leaders are excited to oust the longstanding mayor with the name associated with evolution, Darwin Hindman. “With six candidates vying for mayor, I have a better chance guessing the winner playing roulette, you won’t see me at the polls,” said an apathetic Kelli Smith.

The school system is the next big item on the ballot. The $120 million bond issue needs 57% of the vote to pass, unlike president of the USA where less than majority is necessary. Bond issue marketing brilliance was at work again claiming the $120 million would magically appear with approval and that the bond issue would not “directly lead to tax increases.”  It is this free money people are excited about voting for. Southwest Columbia resident Merl Haggert pointed out, “I was tryin’ to decide if children are worthy of some new fangled contraption that provides “air conditioning” and new high schools but if I aint taxed more, why the heck not?”

School lunch is also a big story the school board candidates are bickering over. In a month of change, including the national health care bill, mystery meat could be seeing its last days and be forced to reveal its actual identity depending on which candidates are selected.

Two candidates, including the incumbent, are vying for a Columbia City Council seat for the Third Ward. Four candidates are seeking the Fourth Ward seat.

“We’re hoping that the high jobless rate will work in our favor today,” said Boone County Clerk. “Hopefully, more people will show up as they have nothing better to do.”

Polls opened at 6:00 am and close at 7:00 pm tonight at 50 locations around Columbia.

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