Columbia.FairCityNews Just another WordPress weblog Wed, 12 May 2010 13:22:47 +0000 en hourly 1 Petitioning for more Petitions Wed, 12 May 2010 13:22:47 +0000 Fair City News Columbia, MO—Among the recent onslaught of annoying petitioners in downtown Columbia, a new petition has begun circulation to increase the amount of petitions. Zebediah Kennard, local artist and self-proclaimed downtowner, remarked, “I’m really glad this new one came along, for a while there it seemed like all the petitions were about to dry up!”

Recently Columbia citizens, those who work and play downtown specifically, have been subjected to a multitude of awkward confrontations from strangers asking for names and addresses to put on their petitions for often murky subject matter.  “I signed one a couple weeks ago about some dogs or something, I didn’t have time to read the whole thing”, said Mike Dawson, who is not a registered voter anywhere.  “I mean, I had a dog when I was growing up.  I like dogs, so it seemed like the noble thing to do.”

This month, however, the petitioners have slowed their pace.  Perhaps they’ve moved to new territories, or collected all the signatures necessary.  “When I’m out, I just can’t be bothered enough”, said Dawson, “I like giving money to dudes who need just a little extra change to get bus fare to their new jobs, but sometimes that’s not enough.  Signing those petitions made me feel like I was doing something responsible and active in my community.  I signed the same one probably six times last month.  I really hope they get done whatever they’re trying to get done.”

Until now, one could only hope that with the weather warming up and foot traffic increasing daily, that more annoying petitions would arise.  But a local group has taken the matter into their own hands, with the petition for more petitions. “People don’t just want to go out and do what they came to do.  They want to be stopped, hassled, and solicited for their autographs”,noted  an anonymous spokesperson for the group.  “They get to feel like rock stars and sports heroes, with their signatures being so valuable.”

“I’m just glad there are going to be more petitions to sign”, said Charlie McBride, “those people seem authentically caring and passionate about what they do.”  One petitioner, when stopped for interviewing said, “I don’t really know what this thing is about, I haven’t read it yet.  They said I’d get $7.25 an hour if I got people to sign this thing.  Now that tax season is over, my job as the waving statue of liberty outside Liberty Tax Service was phased out…Oh, dude!  Are you a registered voter in Boone County?”

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Stamps for Email coming to Mid-Missouri Mon, 10 May 2010 12:56:25 +0000 Fair City News Columbia, MO—In the wake of the recent projected financial loss of more than 7 billion, the United States Post Office has been searching avidly for new sources of revenue or cost cutting methods, and they just might have found one: stamps for your e-mail.  “We had heard that there was a way to transmit letters and even actual words over something called ‘the internet’”, says Columbia Postmaster General Venda Lee. “My grandson showed me an example and right then I knew we had an answer for our troubles.”

New “E-Stamps” will be released soon and consumer demand is predicted to be high.  The E-Stamps will look exactly like the stamps currently available, will be sold for the same price, but will be specially designed to stick right to your computer screen.  Consumers, grateful for finally knowing how much postage to put on their emails, have already pre-purchased 450 million E-Stamps, and computer retailers have plans to bundle razor blades with every monitor sold in order to scrape used E-Stamps off the screens when they become too full to read.

One question at the forefront of everyone’s mind: How many E-Stamps do I need if my email is especially long? “We ask that people use their best judgment”, says Lee. “One E-Stamp should be enough for short messages, but if you are expecting to send a 12 page email with attached documents with only one, well that’s just not going to happen.”

The E-Stamp may be the golden goose the USPS has been looking for, and this help couldn’t come too soon.  One proposed cost-saving change was to eliminate residential postal delivery on Saturdays, but it was met with stiff resistance by consumers.  One resident was extremely concerned when told of the upcoming possibility. “That postman is a fixture in my dogs life” mused Tay Lorfox, a Springfield native. “I just don’t know what ‘ole Rex would do on Saturdays if he couldn’t chase (the postman) down the street.”

Time will tell if the postage for emails save the Post Office. As for the E-Stamp, look for it at your local Post Office soon.

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Greenskeeping Fugitive Wed, 05 May 2010 13:03:48 +0000 Fair City News

Mastering the art of the frown

Columbia, MO—Carl Spackler, former greenskeeper at Bushwood Country Club is wanted in Boone County on a charge of possession of a controlled substance. He was applying for a job at Old Hawthorne when he failed a urine drug test. He also has a misdemeanor warrant.

Spackler, 44, is white, 6-foot-4, and 220 pounds, with brown hair and hazel eyes. Spackler may have short-cut hair, rather than the style shown in this photo. Head groundskeeper Sandy McFiddish speculates that years of abusing Spackler verbally contributed to his trip down a dark path. “Last thing I said to him was ‘Carl. Damn your eyes. I told you, today is the day we change the holes. Now, do it, and no more slacking off’” he said.

Bushwood’s co-founder, Judge Smails said, “Drugs at Bushwood? I’ve sentenced boys younger than him to the gas chamber. Didn’t want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.” If Smails could reach Spackler he ask him if he stands for “goodness”, or – for “badness”?

Spackler’s facebook status on Thursday said “Man, free to kill gophers at will.” His friends say he’s been under a lot of pressure since economic strains have reduced the number of members at Bushwood, jeopardizing his job and his living space/shack.

“Last time I heard from him he was probably high, and talking crazy things…”, said Ty Webb. “In fact, he left a wall post for me that read: ‘Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga… gunga, gunga-lagunga. And how on his deathbed, he was to receive total consciousness. So he’s got that going for him, which is nice.”

Officers think Spackler is hiding in the Columbia area with the assistance of friends.

If you know the whereabouts of Spackler, you can call Crime Stoppers at (417) 869-TIPS (8477) or submit information securely online at You do not have to give your name and no attempt is made to find out who you are.

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Rock Bridge Students Find Where The Sidewalk Ends Tue, 04 May 2010 15:11:09 +0000 Fair City News Columbia, MO—Local students found that there is a place where the sidewalk ends, before the street begins and near where the grass grows soft and white, where a huge truck must have traversed the walk where they were consumed in plain sight.

One Rock Bridge  student victim said, “Let us leave this place where the concrete does crack,” after falling into a storm drain tract. Columbia’s Street Superintendent said, “The mere fact that it collapsed in the manner that it did, requires something very heavy to be on it, a lot heavier than a school kid.”

Officials say they will inspect the area and replace the crumbling infrastructure past the pits where the asphalt fails. “We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow, and watch where the storm drain arrows go,” said City Inspector Gregory Bails.

All of the children escaped with only minor injuries, near where the moon-bird rests from his flight in the trees.

The superintendent confirmed that spot inspections would be resumed, “Yes, we’ll walk with a walk that is measured and slow, and we’ll go where the box culverts go.  For the children, they fell and the children, they know, the place where the sidewalk ends.”

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NASCAR inspires local drivers Thu, 29 Apr 2010 12:39:40 +0000 Fair City News

NASCAR stickers have more power than police badges.

Columbia, MO—According to recent driving patterns, Mid-Missouri drivers are seemingly permitted to drive like lunatics once they have prominently placed on their vehicle one of many NASCAR stickers featuring their favorite driver. Area drivers should heed the NASCAR sticker as a warning when traveling public thoroughfares.

“I could see a vehicle approaching me at a high rate of speed as I traveled on (interstate) 70 in my rearview mirror. He had to have been going at least 90 miles an hour. Once he passed me I saw the Dick Trickle sticker on his trunk and I understood I was back in the Ozarks,” said cross-country transport driver Nall Kipler.

Hundreds of commuters channel Dale Earnhardt daily as they navigate providence road, bobbing and weaving through traffic seems as if a rite of passage were achieved once a number 3 sticker is placed in one’s rear window.

“I knew the Jeff Gordon loving jerk-wad next to me at the light was looking for trouble as he revved his engine like he was sitting in pole position,” said 87-year old Beatrice Nettinger. “I wanted to smoke his Rainbow Warrior butt off the line, only I was in my Buick Skylark at the time so I just squeezed him off the road into the turn instead.” Nettinger sports a Kyle Busch sticker on all of her vehicles.

“Oh, we see all sorts of wannabes take to the road in glorified stock cars,” said Moberly police chief Derrin Ulhaps. “Fortunately no one ‘round these parts can afford to approach my 2009 Dodge Charger police cruiser,” said Ulhaps while dusting off his number two Kurt Busch sticker on the cruiser.

Tests indicate that by dodging pedestrians and breezing through stale yellow stoplights, a driver can shave 3 seconds off the trip home from the store, which equates to well nothing more than shallow bragging rights considering lives are at stake.

Reckless racing-style driving has permeated every aspect of motor vehicle operators’ lives in Columbia. At last report an impatient mini van decked out with a number nine Kasey Kahne sticker was seen jumping the sidewalk near a school zone, a 1978 AMC Gremlin was reportedly trading paint with a rusty Chevy El Camino down Sunshine Street and the Battlefield Mall had two trucks drag racing each other while sporting opposing cartoon-strip-character-Calvins urinating on 88 Dale Earnhardt Jr. and number five Mark Martin, both of Hendrick Motorsports.

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Lawn Mower Racer Arrested for DUI Wed, 28 Apr 2010 14:30:00 +0000 Fair City News Ashland, MO—A slobbering, stinky man has been charged with racing a lawn mower while sipping on grandpa’s cough syrup. Police Chief Howard says Jamie Dennison, 47, was arrested Friday on an overpass of Missouri highway 63 at Ashland, just south of Columbia.

Howard says Dennison, who lives in a trailer near Ashland, has a revokeddriver’s license and several outstanding warrants for tractor racing. The chief says his blood-alcohol level was 0.094 percent and he was too intoxicated to test the lawn mower driver’s blood-alcohol level. The legal limit for drivers is .08 percent.

Dennison is charged with misdemeanor driving while intoxicated, driving with a revoked license, driving an off-road vehicleon a highway and pathetic racing of lawn tractors. “Really what else is there to do in Ashland?” exclaimed Dennison who was challenged to a race by some “punk kid”.

Howard said people with revoked licenses or previous drunken driving arrests often think it is okay to operate a lawn mower while drunk but it’s illegal to drive any vehicle on a public thoroughfare while under the influence of alcohol or drugs, much less race them on public streets.

Says Howard, “There’s really not much else to do around here ‘cept drink and race lawn mowers. These people really need to find a new hobby before someone races their tractor off the side of a cliff.”

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Local Tanning Salon Solves Health Concerns Tue, 27 Apr 2010 14:38:52 +0000 Fair City News

Look Good, Leave Healthy.

Columbia—When customers started canceling their appointments to “get that thing looked at,” David Hutch, owner of Splasher’s Laundry and Tanning,  saw an opportunity.

“My clientele is very busy with the lake, school, performances, etc., and they need a one-stop solution for all their tanning and cancer screening needs,” states Hutch.

The new service, now available at his Paris Road location, allows customers to have oozing moles, seeping wounds, and discolored patches examined by an internet-certified dermatologist.

As part of Tan Aura’s exclusive B9 Bronze package, biopsies can be purchased 3 for $30 or 5 for $145 plus a 10% discount with any student i.d. or Relay for Life t-shirt.

In the future, Hutch hopes to add cameras inside each tanning bed to provide a 360º perspective of his client’s delicate epidermis. When asked if he considered this a breech of privacy, Hutch explained, “Early detection is key to helping our customers stay very tan for a very long time.”

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Glamor Shots available at Boone County Jail Mon, 26 Apr 2010 12:05:46 +0000 Fair City News Monday the Boone County Sheriff’s Office unveiled a new Web site containing the booking photo and charge information for inmates in the Boone County Jail. Now the Boone County Jail is offering a portrait package for those wanting to capture their memories inside the slammer.

The Boone County Sheriff’s Office on Tuesday announced a new portrait package providing the name, booking photo and charge information for anyone currently housed in thejail.

Currently awaiting trial, inmate Playa Loud said, “Although my picture is no real glamour shot, I think the jailhouse photographer did a good job capturing the highlights and texture in my hair and brought out the glow in my complexion.”

Base packages include two 8 x 10’s, four 3 x 4’s and 8 wallets. Enhanced packages are available under special names such as the Fifi, the Shiv and a special holiday package is now available, ask for the Keister Bunny.

“Since the other deal seemed fairly simple to do, I thought this was a pretty cool idea,” said Sheriff Dwayne Carey.

Example of the wallet size package families can purchase.

“The big thing I wanted to do was make sure I didn’t put any packages out there that weren’t versatile.”

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Cloud of Smoke Engulfs Columbia Wed, 21 Apr 2010 13:00:24 +0000 Fair City News

The fireless smoke forming over this group of college students.

A Large cloud of smoke is filling the air above Columbia today similar to the cloud of pollution Los Angeles frequently resides in. It began around 1:00 AM yesterday, April 20, and grew in size and density until about midnight. While the cloud still exists, no one seems to care.

Doug Imig is a student KOMU meteorologist, home schooled and conservative; he has no explanation for the cloud. “I have never seen or smelled anything like this. Is there new industry in town?” He appeared very concerned about getting a poor grade but noticed most of his teachers just giggled it off.

Firefighters were driving around all day sirens blaring trying to find a flame but could only find smoke. By the afternoon they had given up and were seen laughing and rolling in the grass and trying to identify shapes in the clouds.

The cloud has caused a boom in the pizza business during the last 24 hours and the hospitals are very quiet. “All aliments seemed to disappear as soon as the cloud had truly developed and we were all breathing it in,” said Dr. Ryan Bourne.

Health Experts expect the cloud to disappear with today’s rain. That is, unless the water is a contributing factor to the cloud.

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Counterfeiting getting harder to detect Tue, 20 Apr 2010 14:09:31 +0000 Fair City News

Counterfeit money twice has hard to detect

COLUMBIA, MO—The Duece-Duece counterfeit mastermind continues to wreak havoc on Columbia’s local economy. Columbia police have confirmed multiple cases of counterfeit cash being passed throughout the city already in 2010. Detectives claim they’ve made several arrests but Duece-Duece counterfeit mastermind is still at large.

According to police sketches, the Duece-Duece counterfeiter is a bald white male with a handlebar moustache, 5’ 6” tall who wears a black suit complete with top hat and one bifocal monocle.

Detectives say 20- and 100-dollar bills would seem to be the most commonly counterfeited, however, they’ve seen more and more fake twenty-two dollar bills around town. Giving credence to the growing power of the Mid-Missouri Monopoly moneyman.

“The Double Douche will be caught. We will find and apprehend this criminal. Until we do we ask that all citizens, vendors and financial institutions not to accept any 22 dollar bills,” said Columbia Police. Since technology is readily available, crooks such as the Duece-Duece are able to produce fake bills to pay for goods and services in everyday life. Unknowing victims are often left empty handed if they take the phony cash.

“I was ringing up some groceries for a fancy lookin’ fella who seemed legit. Nice clothes, funny hat, big ol’ moustache. His total came to $41.50. He handed me two $22 bills and said ‘keep the change’. I was so excited I didn’t even realize that theTreasury Department doesn’t even issue a $22 bill in US currency,” said check out attendant Erica Yochum.

Columbia persons who are exposed to the fake cash are encouraged to report the incident to the nearest authorities so Duece-Duece can be sent to jail and not pass go.

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