Archive for April, 2010
NASCAR inspires local drivers
Columbia, MO—According to recent driving patterns, Mid-Missouri drivers are seemingly permitted to drive like lunatics once they have prominently placed on their vehicle one of many NASCAR stickers featuring their favorite driver. Area drivers should heed the NASCAR sticker as a warning when traveling public thoroughfares. “I could see a vehicle approaching me at a high [...]
Lawn Mower Racer Arrested for DUI
Ashland, MO—A slobbering, stinky man has been charged with racing a lawn mower while sipping on grandpa’s cough syrup. Police Chief Howard says Jamie Dennison, 47, was arrested Friday on an overpass of Missouri highway 63 at Ashland, just south of Columbia. Howard says Dennison, who lives in a trailer near Ashland, has a revokeddriver’s license and [...]
Local Tanning Salon Solves Health Concerns
Columbia—When customers started canceling their appointments to “get that thing looked at,” David Hutch, owner of Splasher’s Laundry and Tanning, saw an opportunity. “My clientele is very busy with the lake, school, performances, etc., and they need a one-stop solution for all their tanning and cancer screening needs,” states Hutch. The new service, now available at his Paris Road [...]
Glamor Shots available at Boone County Jail
Monday the Boone County Sheriff’s Office unveiled a new Web site containing the booking photo and charge information for inmates in the Boone County Jail. Now the Boone County Jail is offering a portrait package for those wanting to capture their memories inside the slammer. The Boone County Sheriff’s Office on Tuesday announced a new portrait package [...]
Cloud of Smoke Engulfs Columbia
A Large cloud of smoke is filling the air above Columbia today similar to the cloud of pollution Los Angeles frequently resides in. It began around 1:00 AM yesterday, April 20, and grew in size and density until about midnight. While the cloud still exists, no one seems to care. Doug Imig is a student [...]
Counterfeiting getting harder to detect
COLUMBIA, MO—The Duece-Duece counterfeit mastermind continues to wreak havoc on Columbia’s local economy. Columbia police have confirmed multiple cases of counterfeit cash being passed throughout the city already in 2010. Detectives claim they’ve made several arrests but Duece-Duece counterfeit mastermind is still at large. According to police sketches, the Duece-Duece counterfeiter is a bald white [...]
Landfill workers refuse to commit Party Foul
Columbia, MO— In a city known for its cheap beer specials, Columbia just found out the deals weren’t good enough for two individuals. This Fair City found itself in the national spotlight as two tightwads went the extra mile by stealing cases of expired beer from the landfill. Fair City News was granted an interview [...]
El Maguey Fire Reveals Secrets
Columbia, MO- Residents living in the Southside of Columbia woke to the sound of sirens yesterday morning as a fire broke out in El Maguey Restaurant. Initial reports are fuzzy but Fair City News reporters are learning that El Maguey’s secret recipe for salsa may be revealed in the catastrophe. El Rancho, Tequila’s and Taco [...]
Tea Party attracts a wide variety of people
Jefferson City, MO- A tea party formed on the steps of the Missouri State Capital yesterday leaving many demographics very disappointed. While the scene was a rally for tax reform, poor marketing attracted many of the wrong crowd. Residents of local assisted living facilities demanded to be taken to the event expecting a far different [...]
Legislators turn to Citizens for Help
Jefferson City, MO – Three weeks ago the Missouri state senate met to discuss the possibility of a new radical government: efficient and affordable. Tuesday morning, with no ideas for implementation, they met again to review more than 1,000 emails from Missouri citizens concerned with state policies hoping to find the answer. Government employed statistician Mick [...]
