Archive for March, 2010
Carl Edwards inspiring local residents
Columbia, MO- Apparently Carl Edwards’ recent antics with Brad Keslowski on the racetrack are wearing off on his Mid-Missouri fans. What many often expect to be a pleasant Saturday morning shopping adventure at Columbia’s Sam’s Club has too often turned into a violent power struggle. As of March 29, 2010, over 20 people have been [...]
Couple Sneaks Extra Breadsticks into Doggie Bag at Olive Garden
Columbia, MO—A discreet couple smoothly inserted three leftover breadsticks into their Styrofoam take home box Monday evening without raising suspicions among Olive Garden wait staff at I 70 Dr Sw. Doris and Henry Norton enjoyed a lavish feast of chicken scampi and chicken Alfredo respectively and just received their boxed leftovers when Mrs. Norton nudged [...]
Add Sheet Sued Over Multiple Pages
Columbia, MO – In a lawsuit long time in the making, The Add Sheet is being sued for false Advertisement. Violating its claim every Wednesday morning of being a single sheet and offering a booklet of ads, this case could affect many local businesses and the consumers who live off the multiple sheets of discounts. [...]
Emoticons Break Harsh Reality of Fortune Cookie Messages
Jefferson City, MO—A local Chinese restaurant is using emoticons to break unfortunate fortune cookie messages to customers. Several diners at the River Dragon on were introduced to the new after dinner traditional snack and had mixed emotions. “’:) You make a bad day worse ’ was my awful message when I cracked open the fortune [...]
Redbox Rentals Suck Life for $1.00
Columbia, MO—Located at area McDonald’s, groceries and other heavily trafficked areas, Redbox vending machines are magnets for long lines of indecisive cretins. “I was in line for 10 minutes to get one movie! Just let me in and I can get my video and get out,” said Columbia native Joey Harbong. When presented with a [...]
Google’s Fiber Could Make Columbia Go 100x Faster
Columbia, MO—Local government officials have unanimously approved a resolution to support the city’s participation in the Google Fiber Communities project to increase “download regularity”. “Chronic web constipation is a problem I face everyday. Getting stopped up while downloading a movie is something I just can’t stomach,” said Joey Saddle, sophomore at the University of Missouri. [...]
Local Video Store takes on Netflix, Redbox
Columbia, MO – A local movie rental company believes their business model is sound. It just needed some tweaking to compete with Netflix and Redbox in the Mid-Missouri market. “People love shopping at video rental stores,” said local Movie Holla’ Manager Dewey Dom. “The drive to the store, the smell of it, arguing with friends [...]
CoMO Reportedly Forced Into Time Warp
Columbia, MO—Local residents were reportedly forced into a strange and unexpected time warp Sunday which may be linked to an ancient tradition of sun worship. Several residents experienced the movement of time and space by exactly one hour. “I woke up and started getting ready when I noticed that my phone and computer clocks were [...]
Gigantic Postcard Lands in Columbia; Luke Wilson Arrested
Columbia, MO – Residents of southeast Columbia were greeted with calamitous surprise this morning. At approximately 7:25 a.m. a large quarter-mile sized postcard sliced through a calm, peaceful neighborhood, crushing fourteen houses and damaging countless others. The massive postcard read, “Spring Has Sprung in Columbia Missouri,” accompanied by a picture of a flowering hillside. News [...]
New Teen Texting & Driving Ban Texted to Teens
Jefferson City, MO—Governor Jay Nixon sent 6,000 text messages to Columbia, MO teens announcing the new ban in place barring teens from texting while driving. His message simply stated, “NEW BAN 4 TEENS HOO TEXT AN DRIV. DOAN BE DISTRACTD OR IMPAIRD WHILE OPERATIN UR VEHICLE. CALL ME LATR. GOV. NIXON.” State officials said the [...]
