Author Archive for Fair City News
Landfill workers refuse to commit Party Foul
Columbia, MO— In a city known for its cheap beer specials, Columbia just found out the deals weren’t good enough for two individuals. This Fair City found itself in the national spotlight as two tightwads went the extra mile by stealing cases of expired beer from the landfill. Fair City News was granted an interview [...]
El Maguey Fire Reveals Secrets
Columbia, MO- Residents living in the Southside of Columbia woke to the sound of sirens yesterday morning as a fire broke out in El Maguey Restaurant. Initial reports are fuzzy but Fair City News reporters are learning that El Maguey’s secret recipe for salsa may be revealed in the catastrophe. El Rancho, Tequila’s and Taco [...]
Tea Party attracts a wide variety of people
Jefferson City, MO- A tea party formed on the steps of the Missouri State Capital yesterday leaving many demographics very disappointed. While the scene was a rally for tax reform, poor marketing attracted many of the wrong crowd. Residents of local assisted living facilities demanded to be taken to the event expecting a far different [...]
Legislators turn to Citizens for Help
Jefferson City, MO – Three weeks ago the Missouri state senate met to discuss the possibility of a new radical government: efficient and affordable. Tuesday morning, with no ideas for implementation, they met again to review more than 1,000 emails from Missouri citizens concerned with state policies hoping to find the answer. Government employed statistician Mick [...]
The Fastest 40 Minutes of Church
As attendance rates level off, church officials are looking to new methods of attraction to grow their congregation. One local church in downtown Columbia, The Mid-Missouri Divided Methodist Church, may be on the leading edge of growing their following with a little help from a local celebrity. With a reputation of having the most exciting [...]
Columbia Driver Discovers meaning of Turn Signal
Columbia — Saturday morning was just like any other for Jenny Throm, until she made a startling discovery. She had just dropped off her two daughters at school and was heading to yoga class in her 2008 GMC Denali along East Nifong Boulevard. Unexpectedly, a dog ran in front of her car/truck/tank, forcing her to [...]
Sobriety Checkpoints a boom for business
Columbia, MO—Recent statistics show that for every Columbia inhabitant, four traffic cones exist. The rise in traffic cone population is directly related to the numerous construction projects and sobriety checkpoints occurring around the area. Missouri Department of Transportation officials confirm that approximately 400,000 cones exist within Columbia city limits. This number generally elevates by 10-20% on weekend [...]
Downtown Cameras watch more than Criminals
Proposition 1, allowing downtown cameras for surveillance, passed on Tuesday with almost 60% of the vote. Voters, known for not actually reading the fine print, granted approval without knowing the cost, how many cameras would be used, where they should be placed. Taking a closer look at the proposition revealed the answers. In these tough [...]
Craigslist CEO Unclassified
Columbia, MO—Craigslist founder Craig Newmark was in town but disappointing those in attendance yesterday due to his not being classified. Unfortunately, unlike most of the online classifieds he represents, Mr. Newmark was not for sale. Even worse, his laptop, clothes and watch were not classified either. Interviewing attendees after the show, FCN found a majority [...]
Elderly vote on mystery meat today
Columbia, MO—The residents of Boone County will take to the polls today. The jobless and elderly will likely constitute the majority of those voting as most citizens in this area don’t bother themselves with such trivial issues. Voters in Columbia will get Obama-like change whether they want it or not. Starting with the mayor, religious leaders [...]
