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Legislators turn to Citizens for Help

Missouri Senate members NOT at recess.

Jefferson City, MO – Three weeks ago the Missouri state senate met to discuss the possibility of a new radical government: efficient and affordable.  Tuesday morning, with no ideas for implementation, they met again to review more than 1,000 emails from Missouri citizens concerned with state policies hoping to find the answer. Government employed statistician Mick Lefevre commented, “Approximately 0.0001% of Missouri’s population is concerned with state policy.”  Senate President Pro tem Charlie Shields (of St. Joseph, MO) again advocated the effort he has since coined, “Rebooting Government” just prior to the recess bell. Minutes later Shields initiated the senate telephone tree, shrugging his shoulders and sheepishly admitting that “maybe we can go without recess today.”  Missouri tax-payer dollars agree…maybe you can go without recess today.

As disgruntled workers returned to their small group discussions, Senator Venessa Wee explained, “It’s simple, really.  If we implement bills and policies formed by clueless Missouri citizens, er…clueless in general…then the government is virtually faultless.  We hand-over responsibility and then have recess.”

Senators spent the remainder of the afternoon in small groups debating the quality of citizen recommendations in these areas: Earth/Wind/Water/Fire; Courts/Legal/Judge Judy; Education; General Government/Recess; Retirement; Social Programs/Recess; Tax Structure; and Transportation/Recess.  Men and women in pant-suits engaged in heated arguments that livened the typically dull senate scene in Jefferson City.  When asked about the efficacy of this new effort, Ina Yin responded, “No, we don’t plan to deface public property.  We are, though, discussing the suggestion to close one state prison.  Statewide criminal personality tests and progress reports would probably allow us to release only those criminals with the best chance of re-integration into society.  However, it would be more affordable to initiate a felon lottery.”

Additional suggestions included low-budget leasing of state vehicles to car-less citizens, encouraging Missouri tourism with the erection of new I-70 billboards, increasing highway patrol revenue with a reduced Hwy 63 speed limit, and auctioning non-crucial pieces of the Missouri capital building.  “One woman emailed to suggest that the government offer a first-time buyer incentive for individuals interested in purchasing large items.  Just…large items,” reported senate secretary Suzi Gawson.

(By Kelli Dawson)

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