Recently Columbia citizens, those who work and play downtown specifically, have been subjected to a multitude of awkward confrontations from strangers asking for names and addresses to put on their petitions for often murky subject matter.  “I signed one a couple weeks ago about some dogs or something, I didn’t have time to read the whole thing”, said Mike Dawson, who is not a registered voter anywhere.  “I mean, I had a dog when I was growing up.  I like dogs, so it seemed like the noble thing to do.”

This month, however, the petitioners have slowed their pace.  Perhaps they’ve moved to new territories, or collected all the signatures necessary.  “When I’m out, I just can’t be bothered enough”, said Dawson, “I like giving money to dudes who need just a little extra change to get bus fare to their new jobs, but sometimes that’s not enough.  Signing those petitions made me feel like I was doing something responsible and active in my community.  I signed the same one probably six times last month.  I really hope they get done whatever they’re trying to get done.”
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Until now, one could only hope that with the weather warming up and foot traffic increasing daily, that more annoying petitions would arise.  But a local group has taken the matter into their own hands, with the petition for more petitions. “People don’t just want to go out and do what they came to do.  They want to be stopped, hassled, and solicited for their autographs”,noted  an anonymous spokesperson for the group.  “They get to feel like rock stars and sports heroes, with their signatures being so valuable.”

“I’m just glad there are going to be more petitions to sign”, said Charlie McBride, “those people seem authentically caring and passionate about what they do.”  One petitioner, when stopped for interviewing said, “I don’t really know what this thing is about, I haven’t read it yet.  They said I’d get $7.25 an hour if I got people to sign this thing.  Now that tax season is over, my job as the waving statue of liberty outside Liberty Tax Service was phased out…Oh, dude!  Are you a registered voter in Boone County?”

The USS Porkulus, a big hit with the under 5 crowd.

Jefferson City, MO- A tea party formed on the steps of the Missouri State Capital yesterday leaving many demographics very disappointed. While the scene was a rally for tax reform, poor marketing attracted many of the wrong crowd.

Residents of local assisted living facilities demanded to be taken to the event expecting a far different experience than what greeted them upon arrival. “I had my bridge cards ready and my nice hat. All I heard was yelling and it wasn’t about tea,” said a disappointed, 87 year old voter, Blanch Joslyn.

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Three fraternities from the University of Missouri drove down with kegs of spiked tea. “We heard party and we were here. Sure, it was before 4 PM so most of my bros were still asleep, but they were still jacked I woke them,” said a suave Chas Chandler.

Some even say they saw Arnold Palmer curiously carrying a bottle of lemonade. While citizens did not feel the need to dress as Indians to hide their true identity in the Jeff City Tea party of 2010, controversy will undoubtedly ensue.

Missouri Senate members NOT at recess.

Jefferson City, MO – Three weeks ago the Missouri state senate met to discuss the possibility of a new radical government: efficient and affordable.  Tuesday morning, with no ideas for implementation, they met again to review more than 1,000 emails from Missouri citizens concerned with state policies hoping to find the answer. Government employed statistician Mick Lefevre commented, “Approximately 0.0001% of Missouri’s population is concerned with state policy.”  Senate President Pro tem Charlie Shields (of St. Joseph, MO) again advocated the effort he has since coined, “Rebooting Government” just prior to the recess bell. Minutes later Shields initiated the senate telephone tree, shrugging his shoulders and sheepishly admitting that “maybe we can go without recess today.”  Missouri tax-payer dollars agree…maybe you can go without recess today.

As disgruntled workers returned to their small group discussions, Senator Venessa Wee explained, “It’s simple, really.  If we implement bills and policies formed by clueless Missouri citizens, er…clueless in general…then the government is virtually faultless.  We hand-over responsibility and then have recess.”

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Additional suggestions included low-budget leasing of state vehicles to car-less citizens, encouraging Missouri tourism with the erection of new I-70 billboards, increasing highway patrol revenue with a reduced Hwy 63 speed limit, and auctioning non-crucial pieces of the Missouri capital building.  “One woman emailed to suggest that the government offer a first-time buyer incentive for individuals interested in purchasing large items.  Just…large items,” reported senate secretary Suzi Gawson.

(By Kelli Dawson)

Voters in Columbia will get Obama-like change whether they want it or not. Starting with the mayor, religious leaders are excited to oust the longstanding mayor with the name associated with evolution, Darwin Hindman. “With six candidates vying for mayor, I have a better chance guessing the winner playing roulette, you won’t see me at the polls,” said an apathetic Kelli Smith.

The school system is the next big item on the ballot. The $120 million bond issue needs 57% of the vote to pass, unlike president of the USA where less than majority is necessary. Bond issue marketing brilliance was at work again claiming the $120 million would magically appear with approval and that the bond issue would not “directly lead to tax increases.”  It is this free money people are excited about voting for. Southwest Columbia resident Merl Haggert pointed out, “I was tryin’ to decide if children are worthy of some new fangled contraption that provides “air conditioning” and new high schools but if I aint taxed more, why the heck not?”

School lunch is also a big story the school board candidates are bickering over. In a month of change, including the national health care bill, mystery meat could be seeing its last days and be forced to reveal its actual identity depending on which candidates are selected.
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Two candidates, including the incumbent, are vying for a Columbia City Council seat for the Third Ward. Four candidates are seeking the Fourth Ward seat.

“We’re hoping that the high jobless rate will work in our favor today,” said Boone County Clerk. “Hopefully, more people will show up as they have nothing better to do.”

Polls opened at 6:00 am and close at 7:00 pm tonight at 50 locations around Columbia.