Recently Columbia citizens, those who work and play downtown specifically, have been subjected to a multitude of awkward confrontations from strangers asking for names and addresses to put on their petitions for often murky subject matter.  “I signed one a couple weeks ago about some dogs or something, I didn’t have time to read the whole thing”, said Mike Dawson, who is not a registered voter anywhere.  “I mean, I had a dog when I was growing up.  I like dogs, so it seemed like the noble thing to do.”

This month, however, the petitioners have slowed their pace.  Perhaps they’ve moved to new territories, or collected all the signatures necessary.  “When I’m out, I just can’t be bothered enough”, said Dawson, “I like giving money to dudes who need just a little extra change to get bus fare to their new jobs, but sometimes that’s not enough.  Signing those petitions made me feel like I was doing something responsible and active in my community.  I signed the same one probably six times last month.  I really hope they get done whatever they’re trying to get done.”
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Until now, one could only hope that with the weather warming up and foot traffic increasing daily, that more annoying petitions would arise.  But a local group has taken the matter into their own hands, with the petition for more petitions. “People don’t just want to go out and do what they came to do.  They want to be stopped, hassled, and solicited for their autographs”,noted  an anonymous spokesperson for the group.  “They get to feel like rock stars and sports heroes, with their signatures being so valuable.”

“I’m just glad there are going to be more petitions to sign”, said Charlie McBride, “those people seem authentically caring and passionate about what they do.”  One petitioner, when stopped for interviewing said, “I don’t really know what this thing is about, I haven’t read it yet.  They said I’d get $7.25 an hour if I got people to sign this thing.  Now that tax season is over, my job as the waving statue of liberty outside Liberty Tax Service was phased out…Oh, dude!  Are you a registered voter in Boone County?”

Mastering the art of the frown

Columbia, MO—Carl Spackler, former greenskeeper at Bushwood Country Club is wanted in Boone County on a charge of possession of a controlled substance. He was applying for a job at Old Hawthorne when he failed a urine drug test. He also has a misdemeanor warrant.

Spackler, 44, is white, 6-foot-4, and 220 pounds, with brown hair and hazel eyes. Spackler may have short-cut hair, rather than the style shown in this photo. Head groundskeeper Sandy McFiddish speculates that years of abusing Spackler verbally contributed to his trip down a dark path. “Last thing I said to him was ‘Carl. Damn your eyes. I told you, today is the day we change the holes. Now, do it, and no more slacking off’” he said.

Bushwood’s co-founder, Judge Smails said, “Drugs at Bushwood? I’ve sentenced boys younger than him to the gas chamber. Didn’t want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.” If Smails could reach Spackler he ask him if he stands for “goodness”, or – for “badness”?

Sex life is an important part of married life. cheap sildenafil 100mg In case, you still have strong morning erections, there are chances that erectile issues shall have a http://secretworldchronicle.com/characters/red-djinni/ viagra prescription free psychological cause. It is one tadalafil 5mg tablets of the natural ways to overcome masturbation addiction naturally and securely. With using electronic media, you will be able to get erection in very short time and also will be able to maintain the erection Size of the penis don t increase much Pain during erection Irritation levitra viagra No interest in sex or having proper intercourse with his partner. Spackler’s facebook status on Thursday said “Man, free to kill gophers at will.” His friends say he’s been under a lot of pressure since economic strains have reduced the number of members at Bushwood, jeopardizing his job and his living space/shack.

“Last time I heard from him he was probably high, and talking crazy things…”, said Ty Webb. “In fact, he left a wall post for me that read: ‘Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga… gunga, gunga-lagunga. And how on his deathbed, he was to receive total consciousness. So he’s got that going for him, which is nice.”

Officers think Spackler is hiding in the Columbia area with the assistance of friends.

If you know the whereabouts of Spackler, you can call Crime Stoppers at (417) 869-TIPS (8477) or submit information securely online at www.tipsubmit.com. You do not have to give your name and no attempt is made to find out who you are.

One Rock Bridge  student victim said, “Let us leave this place where the concrete does crack,” after falling into a storm drain tract. Columbia’s Street Superintendent said, “The mere fact that it collapsed in the manner that it did, requires something very heavy to be on it, a lot heavier than a school kid.”

Officials say they will inspect the area and replace the crumbling infrastructure past the pits where the asphalt fails. “We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow, and watch where the storm drain arrows go,” said City Inspector Gregory Bails.
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All of the children escaped with only minor injuries, near where the moon-bird rests from his flight in the trees.

The superintendent confirmed that spot inspections would be resumed, “Yes, we’ll walk with a walk that is measured and slow, and we’ll go where the box culverts go.  For the children, they fell and the children, they know, the place where the sidewalk ends.”

Howard says Dennison, who lives in a trailer near Ashland, has a revokeddriver’s license and several outstanding warrants for tractor racing. The chief says his blood-alcohol level was 0.094 percent and he was too intoxicated to test the lawn mower driver’s blood-alcohol level. The legal limit for drivers is .08 percent.

Dennison is charged with misdemeanor driving while intoxicated, driving with a revoked license, driving an off-road vehicleon a highway and pathetic racing of lawn tractors. “Really what else is there to do in Ashland?” exclaimed Dennison who was challenged to a race by some “punk kid”.
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Howard said people with revoked licenses or previous drunken driving arrests often think it is okay to operate a lawn mower while drunk but it’s illegal to drive any vehicle on a public thoroughfare while under the influence of alcohol or drugs, much less race them on public streets.

Says Howard, “There’s really not much else to do around here ‘cept drink and race lawn mowers. These people really need to find a new hobby before someone races their tractor off the side of a cliff.”

The Boone County Sheriff’s Office on Tuesday announced a new portrait package providing the name, booking photo and charge information for anyone currently housed in thejail.

Currently awaiting trial, inmate Playa Loud said, “Although my picture is no real glamour shot, I think the jailhouse photographer did a good job capturing the highlights and texture in my hair and brought out the glow in my complexion.”

Base packages include two 8 x 10’s, four 3 x 4’s and 8 wallets. Enhanced packages are available under special names such as the Fifi, the Shiv and a special holiday package is now available, ask for the Keister Bunny.
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“Since the other deal seemed fairly simple to do, I thought this was a pretty cool idea,” said Sheriff Dwayne Carey.

Example of the wallet size package families can purchase.

“The big thing I wanted to do was make sure I didn’t put any packages out there that weren’t versatile.”

Counterfeit money twice has hard to detect

COLUMBIA, MO—The Duece-Duece counterfeit mastermind continues to wreak havoc on Columbia’s local economy. Columbia police have confirmed multiple cases of counterfeit cash being passed throughout the city already in 2010. Detectives claim they’ve made several arrests but Duece-Duece counterfeit mastermind is still at large.

According to police sketches, the Duece-Duece counterfeiter is a bald white male with a handlebar moustache, 5’ 6” tall who wears a black suit complete with top hat and one bifocal monocle.

Detectives say 20- and 100-dollar bills would seem to be the most commonly counterfeited, however, they’ve seen more and more fake twenty-two dollar bills around town. Giving credence to the growing power of the Mid-Missouri Monopoly moneyman.
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“The Double Douche will be caught. We will find and apprehend this criminal. Until we do we ask that all citizens, vendors and financial institutions not to accept any 22 dollar bills,” said Columbia Police. Since technology is readily available, crooks such as the Duece-Duece are able to produce fake bills to pay for goods and services in everyday life. Unknowing victims are often left empty handed if they take the phony cash.

“I was ringing up some groceries for a fancy lookin’ fella who seemed legit. Nice clothes, funny hat, big ol’ moustache. His total came to $41.50. He handed me two $22 bills and said ‘keep the change’. I was so excited I didn’t even realize that theTreasury Department doesn’t even issue a $22 bill in US currency,” said check out attendant Erica Yochum.

Columbia persons who are exposed to the fake cash are encouraged to report the incident to the nearest authorities so Duece-Duece can be sent to jail and not pass go.

Columbia learns the value of every drop

Columbia, MO— In a city known for its cheap beer specials, Columbia just found out the deals weren’t good enough for two individuals. This Fair City found itself in the national spotlight as two tightwads went the extra mile by stealing cases of expired beer from the landfill.

Fair City News was granted an interview by the culprits and they had this to say, “I am certainly not paying $4 for a beer at Flat Branch and Natty light (Natural Light) is just like flavored water. So I was like, should I steal the good stuff or pay for the bad?” Good is defined as having desirable or positive qualities and with an expired, perishable item; this “good” description is under investigation. “I had this white trash themed party at my place and thought it would fit with the theme real nice like,” he continued. “Spilling beer is a party foul, but throwing it away? That just grosses me out.”

The radio station fought the fine and the case went all cialis 10 mg the way to the U.S. The web is teeming with lots of 5mg cialis tablets reviews and most point out to simply one thing: viagra is effective. Keep in mind; this habit may also lead to insufficient blood circulation buy cheapest viagra loved this within the penis. generic cialis online look at these guys An erection is, after all, an abundant amount of anxiety, stress and even depression. In a normal Fair City News article we would make a humorous claim that these two men were sanitation workers or something ridiculous like that. However, on this occasional, no twisting necessary, they are. FCN also heard one of the men was applying to the quality control department of Coors but these reports cannot be confirmed.

City Officials are now deciding what to do with the beer as many are cautious to put it back in the landfill. “I can only imagine the scene if this same beer were stolen twice. I just hope the old adage, any news is good news is applicable to Columbia with this national story,” said new mayor Bob McDavid.

Most residents are simply amazed that in a college down, beer goes wasted. The Princeton Review will surely be dropping Mizzou’s party school ranking, for better or for worse.

The USS Porkulus, a big hit with the under 5 crowd.

Jefferson City, MO- A tea party formed on the steps of the Missouri State Capital yesterday leaving many demographics very disappointed. While the scene was a rally for tax reform, poor marketing attracted many of the wrong crowd.

Residents of local assisted living facilities demanded to be taken to the event expecting a far different experience than what greeted them upon arrival. “I had my bridge cards ready and my nice hat. All I heard was yelling and it wasn’t about tea,” said a disappointed, 87 year old voter, Blanch Joslyn.

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Three fraternities from the University of Missouri drove down with kegs of spiked tea. “We heard party and we were here. Sure, it was before 4 PM so most of my bros were still asleep, but they were still jacked I woke them,” said a suave Chas Chandler.

Some even say they saw Arnold Palmer curiously carrying a bottle of lemonade. While citizens did not feel the need to dress as Indians to hide their true identity in the Jeff City Tea party of 2010, controversy will undoubtedly ensue.

Missouri Senate members NOT at recess.

Jefferson City, MO – Three weeks ago the Missouri state senate met to discuss the possibility of a new radical government: efficient and affordable.  Tuesday morning, with no ideas for implementation, they met again to review more than 1,000 emails from Missouri citizens concerned with state policies hoping to find the answer. Government employed statistician Mick Lefevre commented, “Approximately 0.0001% of Missouri’s population is concerned with state policy.”  Senate President Pro tem Charlie Shields (of St. Joseph, MO) again advocated the effort he has since coined, “Rebooting Government” just prior to the recess bell. Minutes later Shields initiated the senate telephone tree, shrugging his shoulders and sheepishly admitting that “maybe we can go without recess today.”  Missouri tax-payer dollars agree…maybe you can go without recess today.

As disgruntled workers returned to their small group discussions, Senator Venessa Wee explained, “It’s simple, really.  If we implement bills and policies formed by clueless Missouri citizens, er…clueless in general…then the government is virtually faultless.  We hand-over responsibility and then have recess.”

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Additional suggestions included low-budget leasing of state vehicles to car-less citizens, encouraging Missouri tourism with the erection of new I-70 billboards, increasing highway patrol revenue with a reduced Hwy 63 speed limit, and auctioning non-crucial pieces of the Missouri capital building.  “One woman emailed to suggest that the government offer a first-time buyer incentive for individuals interested in purchasing large items.  Just…large items,” reported senate secretary Suzi Gawson.

(By Kelli Dawson)

Downtown cameras: Making money and taking names.

Proposition 1, allowing downtown cameras for surveillance, passed on Tuesday with almost 60% of the vote. Voters, known for not actually reading the fine print, granted approval without knowing the cost, how many cameras would be used, where they should be placed. Taking a closer look at the proposition revealed the answers.

In these tough economic times, it forces people to be creative with sources of revenue and this is no exception. “We plan to create a variety of websites highlighting short video clips of the best (or worst) behavior downtown,” explained a city official. “What is better than trying to watch a smashed kid try and figure out how to get home?”

They have already hired a video editor, social media expert and people to provoke the entertaining behavior late at night. A facebook fan page, twitter account, Youtube, and submissions to such popular sites such as collegehumor.com should provide plenty of funding for the cameras. They plan to share some of the revenue and video with middle school alcohol awareness programs in the area.

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Looking through city records, we found they have already purchased the domains of: comodrunks.com, mugirlsgonewild.com, downtownbrawls.com, hookupsfail.com, thatsyourdaughter.com and others not fit for print.

Initial reaction from Mizzou students is positive. “We are like so excited! All of my sorority sisters and I are like strategizing how to get on the site! It is like a contest!” said a giddy Amber Engert.

Cameras should be deployed in the coming months but rumor has it a few already exist and video clips could start showing up anytime.