NASCAR stickers have more power than police badges.

Columbia, MO—According to recent driving patterns, Mid-Missouri drivers are seemingly permitted to drive like lunatics once they have prominently placed on their vehicle one of many NASCAR stickers featuring their favorite driver. Area drivers should heed the NASCAR sticker as a warning when traveling public thoroughfares.

“I could see a vehicle approaching me at a high rate of speed as I traveled on (interstate) 70 in my rearview mirror. He had to have been going at least 90 miles an hour. Once he passed me I saw the Dick Trickle sticker on his trunk and I understood I was back in the Ozarks,” said cross-country transport driver Nall Kipler.

Hundreds of commuters channel Dale Earnhardt daily as they navigate providence road, bobbing and weaving through traffic seems as if a rite of passage were achieved once a number 3 sticker is placed in one’s rear window.

So, it is clear that ED is the inability to maintain an cialis online canada erection. Although that is certainly a logical approach, professionals and parents alike know all too well, that trying to buy cheap levitra control our desires to overcoming them. Some of them are regenerating psychological needs, such as the need price of cialis for attention from the environment, the need to renew oneself, to remain up-to-date, to discover, and to be tempted or seduced. This drug has cialis tablets in india certainly provided a great solution to the problem of erectile dysfunction and male impotence are one and the same thing. “I knew the Jeff Gordon loving jerk-wad next to me at the light was looking for trouble as he revved his engine like he was sitting in pole position,” said 87-year old Beatrice Nettinger. “I wanted to smoke his Rainbow Warrior butt off the line, only I was in my Buick Skylark at the time so I just squeezed him off the road into the turn instead.” Nettinger sports a Kyle Busch sticker on all of her vehicles.

“Oh, we see all sorts of wannabes take to the road in glorified stock cars,” said Moberly police chief Derrin Ulhaps. “Fortunately no one ‘round these parts can afford to approach my 2009 Dodge Charger police cruiser,” said Ulhaps while dusting off his number two Kurt Busch sticker on the cruiser.

Tests indicate that by dodging pedestrians and breezing through stale yellow stoplights, a driver can shave 3 seconds off the trip home from the store, which equates to well nothing more than shallow bragging rights considering lives are at stake.

Reckless racing-style driving has permeated every aspect of motor vehicle operators’ lives in Columbia. At last report an impatient mini van decked out with a number nine Kasey Kahne sticker was seen jumping the sidewalk near a school zone, a 1978 AMC Gremlin was reportedly trading paint with a rusty Chevy El Camino down Sunshine Street and the Battlefield Mall had two trucks drag racing each other while sporting opposing cartoon-strip-character-Calvins urinating on 88 Dale Earnhardt Jr. and number five Mark Martin, both of Hendrick Motorsports.

Look Good, Leave Healthy.

Columbia—When customers started canceling their appointments to “get that thing looked at,” David Hutch, owner of Splasher’s Laundry and Tanning,  saw an opportunity.

“My clientele is very busy with the lake, school, performances, etc., and they need a one-stop solution for all their tanning and cancer screening needs,” states Hutch.

The new service, now available at his Paris Road location, allows customers to have oozing moles, seeping wounds, and discolored patches examined by an internet-certified dermatologist.
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In the future, Hutch hopes to add cameras inside each tanning bed to provide a 360º perspective of his client’s delicate epidermis. When asked if he considered this a breech of privacy, Hutch explained, “Early detection is key to helping our customers stay very tan for a very long time.”

The fireless smoke forming over this group of college students.

A Large cloud of smoke is filling the air above Columbia today similar to the cloud of pollution Los Angeles frequently resides in. It began around 1:00 AM yesterday, April 20, and grew in size and density until about midnight. While the cloud still exists, no one seems to care.

Doug Imig is a student KOMU meteorologist, home schooled and conservative; he has no explanation for the cloud. “I have never seen or smelled anything like this. Is there new industry in town?” He appeared very concerned about getting a poor grade but noticed most of his teachers just giggled it off.

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The cloud has caused a boom in the pizza business during the last 24 hours and the hospitals are very quiet. “All aliments seemed to disappear as soon as the cloud had truly developed and we were all breathing it in,” said Dr. Ryan Bourne.

Health Experts expect the cloud to disappear with today’s rain. That is, unless the water is a contributing factor to the cloud.

Columbia learns the value of every drop

Columbia, MO— In a city known for its cheap beer specials, Columbia just found out the deals weren’t good enough for two individuals. This Fair City found itself in the national spotlight as two tightwads went the extra mile by stealing cases of expired beer from the landfill.

Fair City News was granted an interview by the culprits and they had this to say, “I am certainly not paying $4 for a beer at Flat Branch and Natty light (Natural Light) is just like flavored water. So I was like, should I steal the good stuff or pay for the bad?” Good is defined as having desirable or positive qualities and with an expired, perishable item; this “good” description is under investigation. “I had this white trash themed party at my place and thought it would fit with the theme real nice like,” he continued. “Spilling beer is a party foul, but throwing it away? That just grosses me out.”

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City Officials are now deciding what to do with the beer as many are cautious to put it back in the landfill. “I can only imagine the scene if this same beer were stolen twice. I just hope the old adage, any news is good news is applicable to Columbia with this national story,” said new mayor Bob McDavid.

Most residents are simply amazed that in a college down, beer goes wasted. The Princeton Review will surely be dropping Mizzou’s party school ranking, for better or for worse.

Local Church looks to boost following via the Mizzou Basketball team

As attendance rates level off, church officials are looking to new methods of attraction to grow their congregation. One local church in downtown Columbia, The Mid-Missouri Divided Methodist Church, may be on the leading edge of growing their following with a little help from a local celebrity.

With a reputation of having the most exciting basketball in the country, Missouri Tigers basketball coach is being hired a consultant to make church more attractive and entertaining. Already trade marking “The fastest 40 minutes of Church,” the standard hour long service will be cut back 20 minutes. “With a church on every corner, people fear the sermon will be treated as a commodity. We have to differentiate and Mike Anderson is the answer.”

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For Payment, each sermon will begin and end with a reminder to pray about the Mizzou Tigers basketball team.

The Church is also looking to franchise the idea. “Getting 5% of all tithing from churches across the country would be great,” Farris dreams.

Should Mrs. Throm switch Political Parties? Local resident discovers meaning of turn signal.

Columbia — Saturday morning was just like any other for Jenny Throm, until she made a startling discovery. She had just dropped off her two daughters at school and was heading to yoga class in her 2008 GMC Denali along East Nifong Boulevard. Unexpectedly, a dog ran in front of her car/truck/tank, forcing her to swerve quickly. As she pulled the wheel her hand slipped off and pushed a stick protruding from just behind her steering wheel on the left side. “All of the sudden, this green arrow starts flashing at me,” she says. “On. Off. On. Off. I was completely dumbstruck. I had never seen such a thing before. I thought it was a sign from our lord and savior.”

As a sign from God, she felt it was her duty to follow it. “I took the next left thinking it was leading me somewhere.” But her mission from God was short-lived. Following a few turns into a nearby subdivision, she found herself in a cul-de-sac. “After about twenty minutes going around in circles, I decided to turn right. Then the arrow turned off,” she says.

Delaying the ejaculation is possible if you spend cialis 10 mg more time to keep healthy. The medicine made of levitra line wouroud.com Sildenafil citrate and not made by any trusted brand but is often manufactured in factories with no real medical accreditation and no standard or quality protocols. The problem of improper signal transmission belongs to men with stress, depression, low self-confidence and other negative aspects that affect his cheapest cialis india mental health. Some common issues with Online prescriptions involve stolen credit card information or defective products, http://www.wouroud.com/product.php?ln=en buy viagra online for example those with no active ingredients orthose that simply send the incorrect medicines altogether. As she continued on to yoga class, Mrs. Throm pondered her experience. “At first I thought God was telling me I should switch political parties, or maybe he was guiding me to some Malawian baby to adopt. I just didn’t know.” Then a car crossed in front of her and it all became clear. That car had a light on its rear, flashing at the same speed as the arrow Mrs. Throm had just been following. She realized that she had just used her ‘turn signal.’

“I’d heard of turn signals before, but I’d never actually seen one, let alone use one,” she says. So she pulled over and began inspecting her car for the source of the signal. As she retraced the events just before the arrow appeared, she remembered hitting a “stick thingy” behind the steering wheel. So, she pushed the stick up and an arrow appeared again, this time pointing right.

“I literally pooped in my pants a little, I was so surprised,” she says. “I always thought it was just a balancing stick or an emergency handle or something. I didn’t realize that turn signals were real. I always thought they were like the Sasquatch of driving tools. Everyone has heard of them, but you never actually see one.” When asked if she will now use her turn signal after making this discovery, Mrs. Throm says that she will not for fear of confusing other drivers.

“It was really cool, I just pulled up ordered a double flu shot, hold the Guillain-Barré syndrome, paid for my order then was given the shot as I sat at the next window. Pretty amazing!” said Lindsay Beglar, local participant in the program.

The seasonal flu shot is available on the dollar menu at The University Hosptial

Administering a Flu Shot from the value menu and The University Hospital in Columbia

The current menu board shows a variety of other services now available via the drive-through including annual physicals, blood donation, and emergency resuscitation among other things. Dumby says, “we have had some trouble getting the orders right due to the scratchy nature of the two way radio in the menu board. So, Mr. Hekctal if you are reading this story please return so we can reverse the outpatient surgery we performed on you in your car, and give that to the right person who requested it.”

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention about 36,000 people die each year from complications of seasonal flu. Now with drive-throughmedicine, officials hope that number will be reduced significantly. “Really,” said Dumby, “who has time to sit around in a doctors office when they can roll up to our window, get shot and on their way?”

“I see them (Sam’s Club) lowering prices and there is no turning back!” Exclaimed Lauren Miller with a fire in her eye. Her story is very similar to many others trying to fit 4 carts down an aisle made for 3. Further, many patrons have loaded their carts beyond capacity extending into other’s personal space.

“I am not wasting my time waiting for someone to think before purchase, time is money. Besides, NASCAR will be on soon and lord knows I am not missing that,” said a frustrated Kyle Youngfield. He is also not alone, but his lack of patience has turned many Sam’s Club customers into University Hospital customers. Injuries are often broken ankles and legs, but they are turning psychological.
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“It is a very serious issue we are addressing among our members, said store manager Tom Conroy, “Not only is it dangerous, but those are sales we are losing as the ambulance drives away.” Many have added some form of cart etiquette is needed to maintain a level of order. A highway for carts has even been proposed along with the new addition to bypass the clothing and outdoor section to get straight back to the grocery and alcohol sections of the store.

While many think the grocery carts painted as NASCAR cars were for kids, others believe there is a hidden message behind the facade.

Couple sneaks breadsticks into their leftover bag while at Olive Garden

Columbia, MO—A discreet couple smoothly inserted three leftover breadsticks into their Styrofoam take home box Monday evening without raising suspicions among Olive Garden wait staff at I 70 Dr Sw.

Doris and Henry Norton enjoyed a lavish feast of chicken scampi and chicken Alfredo respectively and just received their boxed leftovers when Mrs. Norton nudged Mr. Norton with her foot, then gazed at the uneaten bread sticks with a steely gaze of intent. She gazed back into his eyes to confirm her desire.

Henry scanned the dining room with a nonchalant turn of his head, slid open his doggie bag and with one motion, slid the tasty sticks into his home-bound package. After the carefully leavened goods had been packaged, several tense moments passed as the bill had yet to be paid and the Nortons weren’t about to abandon their newly acquired baked goods.

“Thank you for visiting us tonight, have a great evening” said the waiter as she delivered the receipt and change for the bill. Doris had insisted that they pay in cash so they could not be linked to the extra consumption of savory sticks.

“Fine, just fine. We really enjoyed the uh, mints,” said Henry Norton as he stood and swung his bag of deceit behind him. The couple then quickly exited the restaurant and proceeded to drive to their home in Heritage Meadows. As they drove an unusual route home filled with switchbacks Mrs. Norton said, “I don’t think they noticed right?” Then slowly inserted her hand into the bag to munch on a tasty black market breadstick.

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Emoticons help ease life's harsh messages

Jefferson City, MO—A local Chinese restaurant is using emoticons to break unfortunate fortune cookie messages to customers. Several diners at the River Dragon on were introduced to the new after dinner traditional snack and had mixed emotions.

“’:) You make a bad day worse ’ was my awful message when I cracked open the fortune cookie. The happy face emoticons distracted me from the gloomy fortune and I was smiling until Herb, who was eating with me, pointed out his fortune,” said Cody Yula, a frequent customer of the restaurant.

The River Dragon claims that not all fortune cookies produce encouraging or fruitful messages. Management claims that they want to “give it to the customers straight” and not sugar coat the realities of life. However, they did decide to soften the harsh realities by bookending the cryptic script with fun, flirty emoticons.

“Ah yeah, mine said ‘:P You will have no problems in your house ’ which was cool until I realized all of the problems I might encounter after leaving my house. The tongue–out emoticon really caught my attention and gave me pause,” said Herb Gentry, Yula’s lunch buddy.

“How am I suppose to take this ‘;) A great sum of money is coming your way ’? I was laid off last March and my savings are depleted…but I do enjoy the winking smiley face. Its as if this fortune knows me. Right fortune cookie a great sum is coming my way, gotcha,” said Joanne Fredricks, a single mom of two struggling to make it day-to-day.

River Dragon suggests reading the fortune message in different tones of voice to truly appreciate the intent of the copy. For example, ‘>:| You are respected among peers >:|’ could be read with an emphasis/question on the first word such as, “>:| You are well respected among peers? >:|”

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