NASCAR stickers have more power than police badges.

Columbia, MO—According to recent driving patterns, Mid-Missouri drivers are seemingly permitted to drive like lunatics once they have prominently placed on their vehicle one of many NASCAR stickers featuring their favorite driver. Area drivers should heed the NASCAR sticker as a warning when traveling public thoroughfares.

“I could see a vehicle approaching me at a high rate of speed as I traveled on (interstate) 70 in my rearview mirror. He had to have been going at least 90 miles an hour. Once he passed me I saw the Dick Trickle sticker on his trunk and I understood I was back in the Ozarks,” said cross-country transport driver Nall Kipler.

Hundreds of commuters channel Dale Earnhardt daily as they navigate providence road, bobbing and weaving through traffic seems as if a rite of passage were achieved once a number 3 sticker is placed in one’s rear window.

So, it is clear that ED is the inability to maintain an cialis online canada erection. Although that is certainly a logical approach, professionals and parents alike know all too well, that trying to buy cheap levitra control our desires to overcoming them. Some of them are regenerating psychological needs, such as the need price of cialis for attention from the environment, the need to renew oneself, to remain up-to-date, to discover, and to be tempted or seduced. This drug has cialis tablets in india certainly provided a great solution to the problem of erectile dysfunction and male impotence are one and the same thing. “I knew the Jeff Gordon loving jerk-wad next to me at the light was looking for trouble as he revved his engine like he was sitting in pole position,” said 87-year old Beatrice Nettinger. “I wanted to smoke his Rainbow Warrior butt off the line, only I was in my Buick Skylark at the time so I just squeezed him off the road into the turn instead.” Nettinger sports a Kyle Busch sticker on all of her vehicles.

“Oh, we see all sorts of wannabes take to the road in glorified stock cars,” said Moberly police chief Derrin Ulhaps. “Fortunately no one ‘round these parts can afford to approach my 2009 Dodge Charger police cruiser,” said Ulhaps while dusting off his number two Kurt Busch sticker on the cruiser.

Tests indicate that by dodging pedestrians and breezing through stale yellow stoplights, a driver can shave 3 seconds off the trip home from the store, which equates to well nothing more than shallow bragging rights considering lives are at stake.

Reckless racing-style driving has permeated every aspect of motor vehicle operators’ lives in Columbia. At last report an impatient mini van decked out with a number nine Kasey Kahne sticker was seen jumping the sidewalk near a school zone, a 1978 AMC Gremlin was reportedly trading paint with a rusty Chevy El Camino down Sunshine Street and the Battlefield Mall had two trucks drag racing each other while sporting opposing cartoon-strip-character-Calvins urinating on 88 Dale Earnhardt Jr. and number five Mark Martin, both of Hendrick Motorsports.

Kim Spanish of the Chihuahua Chalupas

basketball in Mexico. The announcement has left the Tiger basketball nation reeling.

Terms of the deal are still be negotiated but a large percentage of his pay will be in the form of burritos.

However, Kim Spanish (formerly Kim English) doesn’t want to completely abandon his Columbia heritage. He and late night downtown favorite, El Rancho Mexican Restaurant, have worked out a sponsorship deal where Kim is required to get a tattoo of the restaurant on his shooting/eating hand. El Maguey lost the bidding war for this prime placement and has no interest in the other hand.

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“I watched Sam Bradford of Oklahoma get hurt and I just can’t take that chance,” Spanish told FCN. “I like to stand out from other players and can’t think of a better way than to play in Mexico. No one else does that.” Coach Mike Anderson couldn’t be reached for comment but the University Registrar has confirmed Spanish is sitting in on Spanish classes the rest of the semester.

In a touch of irony, his high school basketball coach from Maryland

had the name of Kim Rivers. The coach of his new team, the Chihuahua Chalupas, has the name of Kim Mountains.

Kim Spanish will start practice in Mexico starting June 1 and plans to play for Mexico in the 2012 London Olympic games.

Ignorant Redbox users line up to waste others precious life

Columbia, MO—Located at area McDonald’s, groceries and other heavily trafficked areas, Redbox vending machines are magnets for long lines of indecisive cretins.

“I was in line for 10 minutes to get one movie! Just let me in and I can get my video and get out,” said Columbia native Joey Harbong. When presented with a renting opportunity, Redbox users are notorious for taking an exorbitant amount of time to choose a movie, then take even longer navigating the touch screen and credit/debit card reader.

Redbox users are usually found clumped together outside of a QSR restaurant waiting for their turn to tackle the Redbox challenge and are forced into awkward small talk or tend to avoid conversation altogether.

“I swear this lady had no business being outside her home, much less at a 21st century vending machine,” said Harbong, “there should be a preferred customers line for those who know what they want, are smart enough to use the machine and who have the appropriate method of payment, not a gas card. Are you freaking kidding me? This $1 rental has cost me precious minutes of my life wasted by someone who likely cannot operate a VHS machine!”

Harbong’s negative experience renting a Redbox DVD was multiplied by his attempt to return the disc. “So I come back to return the dang thing and there is a line one mile long. People are going into Mac-D’s and returning to eat a BigMcAngusPounder while they wait in line. I literally had 10 minutes to return my piece of crap DVD before I rang up another $1 late charge. You can’t ever pay me to go back to that renting hell.”

DVD renters who seek a simple and carefree experience are encouraged to consider other options before attempting to rent from one of these ignorance cesspools. Doctors suggest calculating the true cost of the $1 rental vs. the cost of  primordial frustrations.

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A movie consumer picks up overpriced movies from a Netflix kiosk at a local video store

Columbia, MO – A local movie rental company believes their business model is sound. It just needed some tweaking to compete with Netflix and Redbox in the Mid-Missouri market.

“People love shopping at video rental stores,” said local Movie Holla’ Manager Dewey Dom. “The drive to the store, the smell of it, arguing with friends over what movie to get, differentiated pricing among new and old movies, long checkout lines, the movie drop-box and of course late fees. It’s a total experience that Netflix and Redbox cannot duplicate ”

Still, with sales lagging causing the closure of several local video rental stores, Dom knew he had to do something. His groundbreaking idea now being tested in his Columbia store has Movie Holla’ executives hopeful it may save the company from its recent bankruptcy.

“We’re taking Netflix and Redbox on,” Dom said. “We’re installing a Redbox machine in the store as we speak, and I am going to sign the store up for Netflix in the next couple days.”

Dom said Movie Holla’ customers soon will be able to browse Netflix’s massive selection of movies at a computer terminal in-store.

Once they choose a movie, Netflix will send it to the store and Movie Holla’ will contact the customer to come pick it up and pay for it. Netflix rentals will cost $7.95 for five days. Late fees are $1 a day.

“People pay a minimum of $8.99 for a month of Netflix,” Dom said. “Now you can get the movie you want for five full days for a dollar less. Even with a one-day late fee you are looking at saving four cents.”

Dom said customers not wanting to wait to get the latest movies in the mail can use the in-store Redbox machine for instant satisfaction. Redbox movies run $1 for one day, but Movie Holla’ will charge a $5 convenience fee.

“People keep saying, ‘How are traditional movie rental stores ever going to compete with the Netflixes and Redboxes of the world?’” Dom said. “I think our solution speaks for itself.”

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