Google Fiber is pumped into homes, helping users go 100x faster than before

Columbia, MO—Local government officials have unanimously approved a resolution to support the city’s participation in the Google Fiber Communities project to increase “download regularity”.

“Chronic web constipation is a problem I face everyday. Getting stopped up while downloading a movie is something I just can’t stomach,” said Joey Saddle, sophomore at the University of Missouri.

According to its website, Google is looking for communities to try an ultra-high speed fiber product to help control irritable download symptoms. Several benefits are listed online for interested municipalities, however, Google is mainly concerned with number 2: plumbing an underground fiber product into homes to remove gummy Internet substances that only act as browsing roughage.

Under the new program, users will be able to go 100 times faster than what most Americans are capable of today. “That’s a shat-ton faster than what I’m used to cranking out when I sit down,” said Julie Simmons, an avid downloader of music.

Google plans to add fiber to select communities slowly at first to avoid problems with Internet hiccups. Exposure to an abundance of fiber while surfing the web without proper hydration by users can create an obstruction and require medical attention.

“The Fiber Communities project can ease certain downloading disorders when applied properly. If you have Internet problems, consult your doctor before adding a fiber supplement to your browsing lifestyle,” said Google CEO Eric Schmidt.

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Jefferson City, MO—Governor Jay Nixon sent 6,000 text messages to Columbia, MO teens announcing the new ban in place barring teens from texting while driving. His message simply stated, “NEW BAN 4 TEENS HOO TEXT AN DRIV. DOAN BE DISTRACTD OR IMPAIRD WHILE OPERATIN UR VEHICLE. CALL ME LATR. GOV. NIXON.”

State officials said the quickest way to alert teens to the new change in law was to send them instant messages. “The messages are instant,” said Nixon. Distracted driving in any form is considered hazardous and the state thought it imperative to contact these teens as soon as possible.

Teen driver Lindy Holmgren said, “I was almost about to start my car when I received the text message from a Gov. Nixon. I was like, whateve lame. After I read it I totally blocked his number.”

Other teens weren’t so lucky. Austin Yammsville wrecked his car while reading the text message containing the new law changes. “Man, I was executing an attempt to parallel park and my phone blew up, so I checked it. Next thing I know, my rear bumper is two feet deep into a Chevy Tahoe. Thanks for the update G-Nix.”

When alerted to the problems, a spokesperson for the Governor said he was resting at home with tender texting thumbs, however, we was pleased that the messages had all been received. If teens don’t respond to the new laws, a new program is waiting in the wings. The Text-a-lizer, is an application installed onto a mobile phone that can detect if a teen has been texting and when activated will turn off the teen’s vehicle or lock out the ignition system preventing an increase in unsafe roadways.

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