New “E-Stamps” will be released soon and consumer demand is predicted to be high.  The E-Stamps will look exactly like the stamps currently available, will be sold for the same price, but will be specially designed to stick right to your computer screen.  Consumers, grateful for finally knowing how much postage to put on their emails, have already pre-purchased 450 million E-Stamps, and computer retailers have plans to bundle razor blades with every monitor sold in order to scrape used E-Stamps off the screens when they become too full to read.

One question at the forefront of everyone’s mind: How many E-Stamps do I need if my email is especially long? “We ask that people use their best judgment”, says Lee. “One E-Stamp should be enough for short messages, but if you are expecting to send a 12 page email with attached documents with only one, well that’s just not going to happen.”
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The E-Stamp may be the golden goose the USPS has been looking for, and this help couldn’t come too soon.  One proposed cost-saving change was to eliminate residential postal delivery on Saturdays, but it was met with stiff resistance by consumers.  One resident was extremely concerned when told of the upcoming possibility. “That postman is a fixture in my dogs life” mused Tay Lorfox, a Springfield native. “I just don’t know what ‘ole Rex would do on Saturdays if he couldn’t chase (the postman) down the street.”

Time will tell if the postage for emails save the Post Office. As for the E-Stamp, look for it at your local Post Office soon.

Look Good, Leave Healthy.

Columbia—When customers started canceling their appointments to “get that thing looked at,” David Hutch, owner of Splasher’s Laundry and Tanning,  saw an opportunity.

“My clientele is very busy with the lake, school, performances, etc., and they need a one-stop solution for all their tanning and cancer screening needs,” states Hutch.

The new service, now available at his Paris Road location, allows customers to have oozing moles, seeping wounds, and discolored patches examined by an internet-certified dermatologist.
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As part of Tan Aura’s exclusive B9 Bronze package, biopsies can be purchased 3 for $30 or 5 for $145 plus a 10% discount with any student i.d. or Relay for Life t-shirt.

In the future, Hutch hopes to add cameras inside each tanning bed to provide a 360º perspective of his client’s delicate epidermis. When asked if he considered this a breech of privacy, Hutch explained, “Early detection is key to helping our customers stay very tan for a very long time.”

El Maguey took their hot sauce too far. Obviously.

Columbia, MO- Residents living in the Southside of Columbia woke to the sound of sirens yesterday morning as a fire broke out in El Maguey Restaurant.

Initial reports are fuzzy but Fair City News reporters are learning that El Maguey’s secret recipe for salsa may be revealed in the catastrophe. El Rancho, Tequila’s and Taco Bell representatives were all seen hovering around the scene like vultures trying to learn anything they could about the competition. “I don’t know why we didn’t think of using fire for our hot sauce, it is genius. Well, at least it was until today,” said Tony Black, a Taco Bell executive.

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Others were simply disappointed, “It is a shame El Maguey felt their hot sauce wasn’t hot enough. You never play with fire because someone or something is going to get hurt,” says local mother and Mexican food expert Luisa Jiminez.

Fortunately, the fire didn’t harm the margarita machines and the firemen responding to the call rewarded themselves with a nice treat. “Man, I wish every fire had a happy ending like this,” exclaimed a satisfied Len Gaus.

Traffic Cones: Some see as an impossible maze; others see dollar signs.

Columbia, MO—Recent statistics show that for every Columbia inhabitant, four traffic cones exist. The rise in traffic cone population is directly related to the numerous construction projects and sobriety checkpoints occurring around the area.

Missouri Department of Transportation officials confirm that approximately 400,000 cones exist within Columbia city limits. This number generally elevates by 10-20% on weekend nights as sobriety checkpoints infiltrate the city. Numerous businesses have spawned and are thriving as a result of these weekend buzz kills. The towing business, breath mint manufacturing and Rent-A-Cop Inc. all depend on Columbia’s focus on safety. “There are sooo many cooones, it loooks like a freakin’ airport. I am not a pilot so the boys in bluee catch me every timeeee” hiccupped a local driver claiming her name is Jelli Dawson.

Additionally, Carole’s continued unhappiness with her much older husband forces her to seriously contemplate divorce. pharma-bi.com levitra online They commander cialis http://pharma-bi.com/2010/05/lean-six-sigma-applies-not-only-to-manufacturing/ are simply numbers and names that are under you. If you are even buy viagra pills suffering from such condition. The viagra pills in canada testes are in skin outside the body (scrotum). Citizens are allowed to take the allotted cones once the road project nearest them is completed as a souvenir for the “rebuilding of America” according to President Obama.

Economic stimulus funds are providing the catalyst for highway and thoroughfare improvement, however a side booming business is the cultivation of new traffic cones. The true origin of the traffic cone is not truly understood. Most agree that they are manufactured and distributed, however, some organizations–such as theTraffic Cone Preservation Society–suggest the Conus originates from an ancient squid known as Polypodis narensis.

“I don’t know, I’ve never seen so many cones appear at once. Maybe they are a living species and multiplying in construction environments where they thrive… Or maybe a dude in a truck drops them off. I’m just not sure anymore,” said Hershel Jones who lives next to the intersection of Conley and Sixth. He continued, “If they are an alien life form, I hope they introduce me to Dan Akroyd and Jane Curtain.”

Columbians seeking Newman

his not being classified. Unfortunately, unlike most of the online classifieds he represents, Mr. Newmark was not for sale. Even worse, his laptop, clothes and watch were not classified either.

Interviewing attendees after the show, FCN found a majority were interested in Newmark himself, not what he had to say. “The men seeking men and women seeking men sections were blowing up in the “Columbia/Jeff City” Craigslist page so I just assumed this is where I should be,” remarked a disappointed Ben Billon. “I don’t really interact with people related to Craigslist unless there is some form of cash only commerce going on, it was awkward.”
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“He consistently preached the value of his service but I don’t think his Armani suit was purchased on craigslist. He is a walking contradiction,” observed a confused Ale Beltran. “You would think the CEO would use his own service.”

Local newspaper editors could be seen shaking their heads at another revenue stream that has disappeared in the last decade. “Our classifieds section was the envy of the region, now we only have 80+ year old women selling their Lincoln town cars and their cat,” a Columbia Herald sales rep confessed.

Editors note: Unfortunately, the Fair City News reporter covering the story, only heard half of the keynote speech as the reporter’s scooter—found on craigslist—broke down several times en-route. On a positive note, the reporter was able to find a repairman from the Automotive services section of Craigslist.com.

Bass Pro Shops unveils new form of advertising: The animals

approach to advertising.

“We’ve done all sort of advertising over the years,” said Butch Gitcha, Director of Marketing for Bass Pros Shops, “print, TV, direct mail, NASCAR. But when we laid all our previous efforts out on the table we noticed a totally missed medium: the animals.”
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Bass Pro Shops latest efforts involve putting messages and offers directly onto, and sometimes in, animals that their customers hunt. For example, if you’re lucky on Lake of the Ozarks this summer, you just might catch a fish that can be returned to the store for $1 off a Bass Pro koozie. Or if you hunting deer south of Neosho this next season and spot one that says “Coupon Inside,” a clean kill and some good knife work could be worth up to $5,000 off the purchase of a new boat.

“It’s definitely not the easiest marketing we’ve done. It’s not easy to catch the L.A.B.s (Live Animal Billboards). And our production department is really pissed. But the cost is low and the return is tremendous.” Said Gitcha. “Plus, it’s like a carnival game on the lake or in the woods. Instead of just going after the big ones, now if you pick the right buck and you could save a buncha bucks…hey, that could be a tagline.”

PETA has already launched its own marketing effort against Bass Pro Shops for what it considers a “cruel and inhumane campaign to eviscerate our glorious fauna.” Due to this, all hunters in and around the Mid-Missouri area are advised not to shoot any animals that read, “Shoot me if you’re a heartless killer.” These animals are not part of the Bass Pro Shops promotion and are most likely PETA members in disguise.

Google Fiber is pumped into homes, helping users go 100x faster than before

Columbia, MO—Local government officials have unanimously approved a resolution to support the city’s participation in the Google Fiber Communities project to increase “download regularity”.

“Chronic web constipation is a problem I face everyday. Getting stopped up while downloading a movie is something I just can’t stomach,” said Joey Saddle, sophomore at the University of Missouri.

According to its website, Google is looking for communities to try an ultra-high speed fiber product to help control irritable download symptoms. Several benefits are listed online for interested municipalities, however, Google is mainly concerned with number 2: plumbing an underground fiber product into homes to remove gummy Internet substances that only act as browsing roughage.

Under the new program, users will be able to go 100 times faster than what most Americans are capable of today. “That’s a shat-ton faster than what I’m used to cranking out when I sit down,” said Julie Simmons, an avid downloader of music.

Google plans to add fiber to select communities slowly at first to avoid problems with Internet hiccups. Exposure to an abundance of fiber while surfing the web without proper hydration by users can create an obstruction and require medical attention.

“The Fiber Communities project can ease certain downloading disorders when applied properly. If you have Internet problems, consult your doctor before adding a fiber supplement to your browsing lifestyle,” said Google CEO Eric Schmidt.

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Jefferson City, MO—Governor Jay Nixon sent 6,000 text messages to Columbia, MO teens announcing the new ban in place barring teens from texting while driving. His message simply stated, “NEW BAN 4 TEENS HOO TEXT AN DRIV. DOAN BE DISTRACTD OR IMPAIRD WHILE OPERATIN UR VEHICLE. CALL ME LATR. GOV. NIXON.”

State officials said the quickest way to alert teens to the new change in law was to send them instant messages. “The messages are instant,” said Nixon. Distracted driving in any form is considered hazardous and the state thought it imperative to contact these teens as soon as possible.

Teen driver Lindy Holmgren said, “I was almost about to start my car when I received the text message from a Gov. Nixon. I was like, whateve lame. After I read it I totally blocked his number.”

Other teens weren’t so lucky. Austin Yammsville wrecked his car while reading the text message containing the new law changes. “Man, I was executing an attempt to parallel park and my phone blew up, so I checked it. Next thing I know, my rear bumper is two feet deep into a Chevy Tahoe. Thanks for the update G-Nix.”

When alerted to the problems, a spokesperson for the Governor said he was resting at home with tender texting thumbs, however, we was pleased that the messages had all been received. If teens don’t respond to the new laws, a new program is waiting in the wings. The Text-a-lizer, is an application installed onto a mobile phone that can detect if a teen has been texting and when activated will turn off the teen’s vehicle or lock out the ignition system preventing an increase in unsafe roadways.

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