The USS Porkulus, a big hit with the under 5 crowd.

Jefferson City, MO- A tea party formed on the steps of the Missouri State Capital yesterday leaving many demographics very disappointed. While the scene was a rally for tax reform, poor marketing attracted many of the wrong crowd.

Residents of local assisted living facilities demanded to be taken to the event expecting a far different experience than what greeted them upon arrival. “I had my bridge cards ready and my nice hat. All I heard was yelling and it wasn’t about tea,” said a disappointed, 87 year old voter, Blanch Joslyn.

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Three fraternities from the University of Missouri drove down with kegs of spiked tea. “We heard party and we were here. Sure, it was before 4 PM so most of my bros were still asleep, but they were still jacked I woke them,” said a suave Chas Chandler.

Some even say they saw Arnold Palmer curiously carrying a bottle of lemonade. While citizens did not feel the need to dress as Indians to hide their true identity in the Jeff City Tea party of 2010, controversy will undoubtedly ensue.

Google Fiber is pumped into homes, helping users go 100x faster than before

Columbia, MO—Local government officials have unanimously approved a resolution to support the city’s participation in the Google Fiber Communities project to increase “download regularity”.

“Chronic web constipation is a problem I face everyday. Getting stopped up while downloading a movie is something I just can’t stomach,” said Joey Saddle, sophomore at the University of Missouri.

According to its website, Google is looking for communities to try an ultra-high speed fiber product to help control irritable download symptoms. Several benefits are listed online for interested municipalities, however, Google is mainly concerned with number 2: plumbing an underground fiber product into homes to remove gummy Internet substances that only act as browsing roughage.

Under the new program, users will be able to go 100 times faster than what most Americans are capable of today. “That’s a shat-ton faster than what I’m used to cranking out when I sit down,” said Julie Simmons, an avid downloader of music.

Google plans to add fiber to select communities slowly at first to avoid problems with Internet hiccups. Exposure to an abundance of fiber while surfing the web without proper hydration by users can create an obstruction and require medical attention.

“The Fiber Communities project can ease certain downloading disorders when applied properly. If you have Internet problems, consult your doctor before adding a fiber supplement to your browsing lifestyle,” said Google CEO Eric Schmidt.

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