Ignorant Redbox users line up to waste others precious life

Columbia, MO—Located at area McDonald’s, groceries and other heavily trafficked areas, Redbox vending machines are magnets for long lines of indecisive cretins.

“I was in line for 10 minutes to get one movie! Just let me in and I can get my video and get out,” said Columbia native Joey Harbong. When presented with a renting opportunity, Redbox users are notorious for taking an exorbitant amount of time to choose a movie, then take even longer navigating the touch screen and credit/debit card reader.

Redbox users are usually found clumped together outside of a QSR restaurant waiting for their turn to tackle the Redbox challenge and are forced into awkward small talk or tend to avoid conversation altogether.

“I swear this lady had no business being outside her home, much less at a 21st century vending machine,” said Harbong, “there should be a preferred customers line for those who know what they want, are smart enough to use the machine and who have the appropriate method of payment, not a gas card. Are you freaking kidding me? This $1 rental has cost me precious minutes of my life wasted by someone who likely cannot operate a VHS machine!”

Harbong’s negative experience renting a Redbox DVD was multiplied by his attempt to return the disc. “So I come back to return the dang thing and there is a line one mile long. People are going into Mac-D’s and returning to eat a BigMcAngusPounder while they wait in line. I literally had 10 minutes to return my piece of crap DVD before I rang up another $1 late charge. You can’t ever pay me to go back to that renting hell.”

DVD renters who seek a simple and carefree experience are encouraged to consider other options before attempting to rent from one of these ignorance cesspools. Doctors suggest calculating the true cost of the $1 rental vs. the cost of  primordial frustrations.

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A movie consumer picks up overpriced movies from a Netflix kiosk at a local video store

Columbia, MO – A local movie rental company believes their business model is sound. It just needed some tweaking to compete with Netflix and Redbox in the Mid-Missouri market.

“People love shopping at video rental stores,” said local Movie Holla’ Manager Dewey Dom. “The drive to the store, the smell of it, arguing with friends over what movie to get, differentiated pricing among new and old movies, long checkout lines, the movie drop-box and of course late fees. It’s a total experience that Netflix and Redbox cannot duplicate ”

Still, with sales lagging causing the closure of several local video rental stores, Dom knew he had to do something. His groundbreaking idea now being tested in his Columbia store has Movie Holla’ executives hopeful it may save the company from its recent bankruptcy.

“We’re taking Netflix and Redbox on,” Dom said. “We’re installing a Redbox machine in the store as we speak, and I am going to sign the store up for Netflix in the next couple days.”

Dom said Movie Holla’ customers soon will be able to browse Netflix’s massive selection of movies at a computer terminal in-store.

Once they choose a movie, Netflix will send it to the store and Movie Holla’ will contact the customer to come pick it up and pay for it. Netflix rentals will cost $7.95 for five days. Late fees are $1 a day.

“People pay a minimum of $8.99 for a month of Netflix,” Dom said. “Now you can get the movie you want for five full days for a dollar less. Even with a one-day late fee you are looking at saving four cents.”

Dom said customers not wanting to wait to get the latest movies in the mail can use the in-store Redbox machine for instant satisfaction. Redbox movies run $1 for one day, but Movie Holla’ will charge a $5 convenience fee.

“People keep saying, ‘How are traditional movie rental stores ever going to compete with the Netflixes and Redboxes of the world?’” Dom said. “I think our solution speaks for itself.”

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