Recently Columbia citizens, those who work and play downtown specifically, have been subjected to a multitude of awkward confrontations from strangers asking for names and addresses to put on their petitions for often murky subject matter.  “I signed one a couple weeks ago about some dogs or something, I didn’t have time to read the whole thing”, said Mike Dawson, who is not a registered voter anywhere.  “I mean, I had a dog when I was growing up.  I like dogs, so it seemed like the noble thing to do.”

This month, however, the petitioners have slowed their pace.  Perhaps they’ve moved to new territories, or collected all the signatures necessary.  “When I’m out, I just can’t be bothered enough”, said Dawson, “I like giving money to dudes who need just a little extra change to get bus fare to their new jobs, but sometimes that’s not enough.  Signing those petitions made me feel like I was doing something responsible and active in my community.  I signed the same one probably six times last month.  I really hope they get done whatever they’re trying to get done.”
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Until now, one could only hope that with the weather warming up and foot traffic increasing daily, that more annoying petitions would arise.  But a local group has taken the matter into their own hands, with the petition for more petitions. “People don’t just want to go out and do what they came to do.  They want to be stopped, hassled, and solicited for their autographs”,noted  an anonymous spokesperson for the group.  “They get to feel like rock stars and sports heroes, with their signatures being so valuable.”

“I’m just glad there are going to be more petitions to sign”, said Charlie McBride, “those people seem authentically caring and passionate about what they do.”  One petitioner, when stopped for interviewing said, “I don’t really know what this thing is about, I haven’t read it yet.  They said I’d get $7.25 an hour if I got people to sign this thing.  Now that tax season is over, my job as the waving statue of liberty outside Liberty Tax Service was phased out…Oh, dude!  Are you a registered voter in Boone County?”

New “E-Stamps” will be released soon and consumer demand is predicted to be high.  The E-Stamps will look exactly like the stamps currently available, will be sold for the same price, but will be specially designed to stick right to your computer screen.  Consumers, grateful for finally knowing how much postage to put on their emails, have already pre-purchased 450 million E-Stamps, and computer retailers have plans to bundle razor blades with every monitor sold in order to scrape used E-Stamps off the screens when they become too full to read.

One question at the forefront of everyone’s mind: How many E-Stamps do I need if my email is especially long? “We ask that people use their best judgment”, says Lee. “One E-Stamp should be enough for short messages, but if you are expecting to send a 12 page email with attached documents with only one, well that’s just not going to happen.”
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The E-Stamp may be the golden goose the USPS has been looking for, and this help couldn’t come too soon.  One proposed cost-saving change was to eliminate residential postal delivery on Saturdays, but it was met with stiff resistance by consumers.  One resident was extremely concerned when told of the upcoming possibility. “That postman is a fixture in my dogs life” mused Tay Lorfox, a Springfield native. “I just don’t know what ‘ole Rex would do on Saturdays if he couldn’t chase (the postman) down the street.”

Time will tell if the postage for emails save the Post Office. As for the E-Stamp, look for it at your local Post Office soon.

The USS Porkulus, a big hit with the under 5 crowd.

Jefferson City, MO- A tea party formed on the steps of the Missouri State Capital yesterday leaving many demographics very disappointed. While the scene was a rally for tax reform, poor marketing attracted many of the wrong crowd.

Residents of local assisted living facilities demanded to be taken to the event expecting a far different experience than what greeted them upon arrival. “I had my bridge cards ready and my nice hat. All I heard was yelling and it wasn’t about tea,” said a disappointed, 87 year old voter, Blanch Joslyn.

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Three fraternities from the University of Missouri drove down with kegs of spiked tea. “We heard party and we were here. Sure, it was before 4 PM so most of my bros were still asleep, but they were still jacked I woke them,” said a suave Chas Chandler.

Some even say they saw Arnold Palmer curiously carrying a bottle of lemonade. While citizens did not feel the need to dress as Indians to hide their true identity in the Jeff City Tea party of 2010, controversy will undoubtedly ensue.