NASCAR stickers have more power than police badges.

Columbia, MO—According to recent driving patterns, Mid-Missouri drivers are seemingly permitted to drive like lunatics once they have prominently placed on their vehicle one of many NASCAR stickers featuring their favorite driver. Area drivers should heed the NASCAR sticker as a warning when traveling public thoroughfares.

“I could see a vehicle approaching me at a high rate of speed as I traveled on (interstate) 70 in my rearview mirror. He had to have been going at least 90 miles an hour. Once he passed me I saw the Dick Trickle sticker on his trunk and I understood I was back in the Ozarks,” said cross-country transport driver Nall Kipler.

Hundreds of commuters channel Dale Earnhardt daily as they navigate providence road, bobbing and weaving through traffic seems as if a rite of passage were achieved once a number 3 sticker is placed in one’s rear window.

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“Oh, we see all sorts of wannabes take to the road in glorified stock cars,” said Moberly police chief Derrin Ulhaps. “Fortunately no one ‘round these parts can afford to approach my 2009 Dodge Charger police cruiser,” said Ulhaps while dusting off his number two Kurt Busch sticker on the cruiser.

Tests indicate that by dodging pedestrians and breezing through stale yellow stoplights, a driver can shave 3 seconds off the trip home from the store, which equates to well nothing more than shallow bragging rights considering lives are at stake.

Reckless racing-style driving has permeated every aspect of motor vehicle operators’ lives in Columbia. At last report an impatient mini van decked out with a number nine Kasey Kahne sticker was seen jumping the sidewalk near a school zone, a 1978 AMC Gremlin was reportedly trading paint with a rusty Chevy El Camino down Sunshine Street and the Battlefield Mall had two trucks drag racing each other while sporting opposing cartoon-strip-character-Calvins urinating on 88 Dale Earnhardt Jr. and number five Mark Martin, both of Hendrick Motorsports.

“I see them (Sam’s Club) lowering prices and there is no turning back!” Exclaimed Lauren Miller with a fire in her eye. Her story is very similar to many others trying to fit 4 carts down an aisle made for 3. Further, many patrons have loaded their carts beyond capacity extending into other’s personal space.

“I am not wasting my time waiting for someone to think before purchase, time is money. Besides, NASCAR will be on soon and lord knows I am not missing that,” said a frustrated Kyle Youngfield. He is also not alone, but his lack of patience has turned many Sam’s Club customers into University Hospital customers. Injuries are often broken ankles and legs, but they are turning psychological.
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“It is a very serious issue we are addressing among our members, said store manager Tom Conroy, “Not only is it dangerous, but those are sales we are losing as the ambulance drives away.” Many have added some form of cart etiquette is needed to maintain a level of order. A highway for carts has even been proposed along with the new addition to bypass the clothing and outdoor section to get straight back to the grocery and alcohol sections of the store.

While many think the grocery carts painted as NASCAR cars were for kids, others believe there is a hidden message behind the facade.