Columbia.FairCityNews » jefferson city http://columbia.faircitynews.com Just another WordPress weblog Wed, 12 May 2010 13:22:47 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.2 Stamps for Email coming to Mid-Missouri http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=188 http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=188#comments Mon, 10 May 2010 12:56:25 +0000 Fair City News http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=188 Columbia, MO—In the wake of the recent projected financial loss of more than 7 billion, the United States Post Office has been searching avidly for new sources of revenue or cost cutting methods, and they just might have found one: stamps for your e-mail.  “We had heard that there was a way to transmit letters and even actual words over something called ‘the internet’”, says Columbia Postmaster General Venda Lee. “My grandson showed me an example and right then I knew we had an answer for our troubles.”

New “E-Stamps” will be released soon and consumer demand is predicted to be high.  The E-Stamps will look exactly like the stamps currently available, will be sold for the same price, but will be specially designed to stick right to your computer screen.  Consumers, grateful for finally knowing how much postage to put on their emails, have already pre-purchased 450 million E-Stamps, and computer retailers have plans to bundle razor blades with every monitor sold in order to scrape used E-Stamps off the screens when they become too full to read.

One question at the forefront of everyone’s mind: How many E-Stamps do I need if my email is especially long? “We ask that people use their best judgment”, says Lee. “One E-Stamp should be enough for short messages, but if you are expecting to send a 12 page email with attached documents with only one, well that’s just not going to happen.”
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The E-Stamp may be the golden goose the USPS has been looking for, and this help couldn’t come too soon.  One proposed cost-saving change was to eliminate residential postal delivery on Saturdays, but it was met with stiff resistance by consumers.  One resident was extremely concerned when told of the upcoming possibility. “That postman is a fixture in my dogs life” mused Tay Lorfox, a Springfield native. “I just don’t know what ‘ole Rex would do on Saturdays if he couldn’t chase (the postman) down the street.”

Time will tell if the postage for emails save the Post Office. As for the E-Stamp, look for it at your local Post Office soon.

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Tea Party attracts a wide variety of people http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=137 http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=137#comments Thu, 15 Apr 2010 13:30:10 +0000 Fair City News http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=137

The USS Porkulus, a big hit with the under 5 crowd.

Jefferson City, MO- A tea party formed on the steps of the Missouri State Capital yesterday leaving many demographics very disappointed. While the scene was a rally for tax reform, poor marketing attracted many of the wrong crowd.

Residents of local assisted living facilities demanded to be taken to the event expecting a far different experience than what greeted them upon arrival. “I had my bridge cards ready and my nice hat. All I heard was yelling and it wasn’t about tea,” said a disappointed, 87 year old voter, Blanch Joslyn.

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Three fraternities from the University of Missouri drove down with kegs of spiked tea. “We heard party and we were here. Sure, it was before 4 PM so most of my bros were still asleep, but they were still jacked I woke them,” said a suave Chas Chandler.

Some even say they saw Arnold Palmer curiously carrying a bottle of lemonade. While citizens did not feel the need to dress as Indians to hide their true identity in the Jeff City Tea party of 2010, controversy will undoubtedly ensue.

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Legislators turn to Citizens for Help http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=130 http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=130#comments Wed, 14 Apr 2010 12:43:21 +0000 Fair City News http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=130

Missouri Senate members NOT at recess.

Jefferson City, MO – Three weeks ago the Missouri state senate met to discuss the possibility of a new radical government: efficient and affordable.  Tuesday morning, with no ideas for implementation, they met again to review more than 1,000 emails from Missouri citizens concerned with state policies hoping to find the answer. Government employed statistician Mick Lefevre commented, “Approximately 0.0001% of Missouri’s population is concerned with state policy.”  Senate President Pro tem Charlie Shields (of St. Joseph, MO) again advocated the effort he has since coined, “Rebooting Government” just prior to the recess bell. Minutes later Shields initiated the senate telephone tree, shrugging his shoulders and sheepishly admitting that “maybe we can go without recess today.”  Missouri tax-payer dollars agree…maybe you can go without recess today.

As disgruntled workers returned to their small group discussions, Senator Venessa Wee explained, “It’s simple, really.  If we implement bills and policies formed by clueless Missouri citizens, er…clueless in general…then the government is virtually faultless.  We hand-over responsibility and then have recess.”

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Additional suggestions included low-budget leasing of state vehicles to car-less citizens, encouraging Missouri tourism with the erection of new I-70 billboards, increasing highway patrol revenue with a reduced Hwy 63 speed limit, and auctioning non-crucial pieces of the Missouri capital building.  “One woman emailed to suggest that the government offer a first-time buyer incentive for individuals interested in purchasing large items.  Just…large items,” reported senate secretary Suzi Gawson.

(By Kelli Dawson)

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