News of the catastrophe spread rapidly and a suspect was arrested quickly. The suspect is an enormous monster who goes by the name, Luke Wilson. Wilson had been arrested while standing in Missouri and Montana throwing postcards across the country with no regard for the human consequences. The only statement Wilson made was on his arrival up the courthouse steps. Wilson could be heard shouting, “I was only demonstrating the superior coverage of AT&T.”

“I don’t give a damn what he was demonstrating,” said victim Charles Beaner. “That mammoth beast is responsible for making my two story home a split level. I’d like to rollover his minutes.” The postcard stretches from I-70 all the way to Stadium Blvd. It sliced through the first houses it hit and then damaged several others as it fell on its side, nearly missing the Verizon Wireless store across from Columbia Mall.

I could see the great beast in the sky throwing cards haphazardly and I thought to myself, “Is that the guy from The Royal Tenenbaums? He’s taller in person,” said resident, Maggie Germaine. “I figure he must be angry about his career opportunities.”

Governor Jay Nixon plans on calling the scene a disaster area, but can’t get good enough reception to alert the proper authorities.

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Jefferson City, MO—Governor Jay Nixon sent 6,000 text messages to Columbia, MO teens announcing the new ban in place barring teens from texting while driving. His message simply stated, “NEW BAN 4 TEENS HOO TEXT AN DRIV. DOAN BE DISTRACTD OR IMPAIRD WHILE OPERATIN UR VEHICLE. CALL ME LATR. GOV. NIXON.”

State officials said the quickest way to alert teens to the new change in law was to send them instant messages. “The messages are instant,” said Nixon. Distracted driving in any form is considered hazardous and the state thought it imperative to contact these teens as soon as possible.

Teen driver Lindy Holmgren said, “I was almost about to start my car when I received the text message from a Gov. Nixon. I was like, whateve lame. After I read it I totally blocked his number.”

Other teens weren’t so lucky. Austin Yammsville wrecked his car while reading the text message containing the new law changes. “Man, I was executing an attempt to parallel park and my phone blew up, so I checked it. Next thing I know, my rear bumper is two feet deep into a Chevy Tahoe. Thanks for the update G-Nix.”

When alerted to the problems, a spokesperson for the Governor said he was resting at home with tender texting thumbs, however, we was pleased that the messages had all been received. If teens don’t respond to the new laws, a new program is waiting in the wings. The Text-a-lizer, is an application installed onto a mobile phone that can detect if a teen has been texting and when activated will turn off the teen’s vehicle or lock out the ignition system preventing an increase in unsafe roadways.

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