Look Good, Leave Healthy.

Columbia—When customers started canceling their appointments to “get that thing looked at,” David Hutch, owner of Splasher’s Laundry and Tanning,  saw an opportunity.

“My clientele is very busy with the lake, school, performances, etc., and they need a one-stop solution for all their tanning and cancer screening needs,” states Hutch.

The new service, now available at his Paris Road location, allows customers to have oozing moles, seeping wounds, and discolored patches examined by an internet-certified dermatologist.
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In the future, Hutch hopes to add cameras inside each tanning bed to provide a 360º perspective of his client’s delicate epidermis. When asked if he considered this a breech of privacy, Hutch explained, “Early detection is key to helping our customers stay very tan for a very long time.”

The fireless smoke forming over this group of college students.

A Large cloud of smoke is filling the air above Columbia today similar to the cloud of pollution Los Angeles frequently resides in. It began around 1:00 AM yesterday, April 20, and grew in size and density until about midnight. While the cloud still exists, no one seems to care.

Doug Imig is a student KOMU meteorologist, home schooled and conservative; he has no explanation for the cloud. “I have never seen or smelled anything like this. Is there new industry in town?” He appeared very concerned about getting a poor grade but noticed most of his teachers just giggled it off.

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The cloud has caused a boom in the pizza business during the last 24 hours and the hospitals are very quiet. “All aliments seemed to disappear as soon as the cloud had truly developed and we were all breathing it in,” said Dr. Ryan Bourne.

Health Experts expect the cloud to disappear with today’s rain. That is, unless the water is a contributing factor to the cloud.

“It was really cool, I just pulled up ordered a double flu shot, hold the Guillain-Barré syndrome, paid for my order then was given the shot as I sat at the next window. Pretty amazing!” said Lindsay Beglar, local participant in the program.

The seasonal flu shot is available on the dollar menu at The University Hosptial

Administering a Flu Shot from the value menu and The University Hospital in Columbia

The current menu board shows a variety of other services now available via the drive-through including annual physicals, blood donation, and emergency resuscitation among other things. Dumby says, “we have had some trouble getting the orders right due to the scratchy nature of the two way radio in the menu board. So, Mr. Hekctal if you are reading this story please return so we can reverse the outpatient surgery we performed on you in your car, and give that to the right person who requested it.”

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention about 36,000 people die each year from complications of seasonal flu. Now with drive-throughmedicine, officials hope that number will be reduced significantly. “Really,” said Dumby, “who has time to sit around in a doctors office when they can roll up to our window, get shot and on their way?”