Missouri Senate members NOT at recess.

Jefferson City, MO – Three weeks ago the Missouri state senate met to discuss the possibility of a new radical government: efficient and affordable.  Tuesday morning, with no ideas for implementation, they met again to review more than 1,000 emails from Missouri citizens concerned with state policies hoping to find the answer. Government employed statistician Mick Lefevre commented, “Approximately 0.0001% of Missouri’s population is concerned with state policy.”  Senate President Pro tem Charlie Shields (of St. Joseph, MO) again advocated the effort he has since coined, “Rebooting Government” just prior to the recess bell. Minutes later Shields initiated the senate telephone tree, shrugging his shoulders and sheepishly admitting that “maybe we can go without recess today.”  Missouri tax-payer dollars agree…maybe you can go without recess today.

As disgruntled workers returned to their small group discussions, Senator Venessa Wee explained, “It’s simple, really.  If we implement bills and policies formed by clueless Missouri citizens, er…clueless in general…then the government is virtually faultless.  We hand-over responsibility and then have recess.”

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Additional suggestions included low-budget leasing of state vehicles to car-less citizens, encouraging Missouri tourism with the erection of new I-70 billboards, increasing highway patrol revenue with a reduced Hwy 63 speed limit, and auctioning non-crucial pieces of the Missouri capital building.  “One woman emailed to suggest that the government offer a first-time buyer incentive for individuals interested in purchasing large items.  Just…large items,” reported senate secretary Suzi Gawson.

(By Kelli Dawson)

Downtown cameras: Making money and taking names.

Proposition 1, allowing downtown cameras for surveillance, passed on Tuesday with almost 60% of the vote. Voters, known for not actually reading the fine print, granted approval without knowing the cost, how many cameras would be used, where they should be placed. Taking a closer look at the proposition revealed the answers.

In these tough economic times, it forces people to be creative with sources of revenue and this is no exception. “We plan to create a variety of websites highlighting short video clips of the best (or worst) behavior downtown,” explained a city official. “What is better than trying to watch a smashed kid try and figure out how to get home?”

They have already hired a video editor, social media expert and people to provoke the entertaining behavior late at night. A facebook fan page, twitter account, Youtube, and submissions to such popular sites such as collegehumor.com should provide plenty of funding for the cameras. They plan to share some of the revenue and video with middle school alcohol awareness programs in the area.

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Looking through city records, we found they have already purchased the domains of: comodrunks.com, mugirlsgonewild.com, downtownbrawls.com, hookupsfail.com, thatsyourdaughter.com and others not fit for print.

Initial reaction from Mizzou students is positive. “We are like so excited! All of my sorority sisters and I are like strategizing how to get on the site! It is like a contest!” said a giddy Amber Engert.

Cameras should be deployed in the coming months but rumor has it a few already exist and video clips could start showing up anytime.