Columbia.FairCityNews » funny http://columbia.faircitynews.com Just another WordPress weblog Wed, 12 May 2010 13:22:47 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.2 Stamps for Email coming to Mid-Missouri http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=188 http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=188#comments Mon, 10 May 2010 12:56:25 +0000 Fair City News http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=188 Columbia, MO—In the wake of the recent projected financial loss of more than 7 billion, the United States Post Office has been searching avidly for new sources of revenue or cost cutting methods, and they just might have found one: stamps for your e-mail.  “We had heard that there was a way to transmit letters and even actual words over something called ‘the internet’”, says Columbia Postmaster General Venda Lee. “My grandson showed me an example and right then I knew we had an answer for our troubles.”

New “E-Stamps” will be released soon and consumer demand is predicted to be high.  The E-Stamps will look exactly like the stamps currently available, will be sold for the same price, but will be specially designed to stick right to your computer screen.  Consumers, grateful for finally knowing how much postage to put on their emails, have already pre-purchased 450 million E-Stamps, and computer retailers have plans to bundle razor blades with every monitor sold in order to scrape used E-Stamps off the screens when they become too full to read.

One question at the forefront of everyone’s mind: How many E-Stamps do I need if my email is especially long? “We ask that people use their best judgment”, says Lee. “One E-Stamp should be enough for short messages, but if you are expecting to send a 12 page email with attached documents with only one, well that’s just not going to happen.”
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The E-Stamp may be the golden goose the USPS has been looking for, and this help couldn’t come too soon.  One proposed cost-saving change was to eliminate residential postal delivery on Saturdays, but it was met with stiff resistance by consumers.  One resident was extremely concerned when told of the upcoming possibility. “That postman is a fixture in my dogs life” mused Tay Lorfox, a Springfield native. “I just don’t know what ‘ole Rex would do on Saturdays if he couldn’t chase (the postman) down the street.”

Time will tell if the postage for emails save the Post Office. As for the E-Stamp, look for it at your local Post Office soon.

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Glamor Shots available at Boone County Jail http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=158 http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=158#comments Mon, 26 Apr 2010 12:05:46 +0000 Fair City News http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=158 Monday the Boone County Sheriff’s Office unveiled a new Web site containing the booking photo and charge information for inmates in the Boone County Jail. Now the Boone County Jail is offering a portrait package for those wanting to capture their memories inside the slammer.

The Boone County Sheriff’s Office on Tuesday announced a new portrait package providing the name, booking photo and charge information for anyone currently housed in thejail.

Currently awaiting trial, inmate Playa Loud said, “Although my picture is no real glamour shot, I think the jailhouse photographer did a good job capturing the highlights and texture in my hair and brought out the glow in my complexion.”

Base packages include two 8 x 10’s, four 3 x 4’s and 8 wallets. Enhanced packages are available under special names such as the Fifi, the Shiv and a special holiday package is now available, ask for the Keister Bunny.
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“Since the other deal seemed fairly simple to do, I thought this was a pretty cool idea,” said Sheriff Dwayne Carey.

Example of the wallet size package families can purchase.

“The big thing I wanted to do was make sure I didn’t put any packages out there that weren’t versatile.”

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Cloud of Smoke Engulfs Columbia http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=154 http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=154#comments Wed, 21 Apr 2010 13:00:24 +0000 Fair City News http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=154

The fireless smoke forming over this group of college students.

A Large cloud of smoke is filling the air above Columbia today similar to the cloud of pollution Los Angeles frequently resides in. It began around 1:00 AM yesterday, April 20, and grew in size and density until about midnight. While the cloud still exists, no one seems to care.

Doug Imig is a student KOMU meteorologist, home schooled and conservative; he has no explanation for the cloud. “I have never seen or smelled anything like this. Is there new industry in town?” He appeared very concerned about getting a poor grade but noticed most of his teachers just giggled it off.

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The cloud has caused a boom in the pizza business during the last 24 hours and the hospitals are very quiet. “All aliments seemed to disappear as soon as the cloud had truly developed and we were all breathing it in,” said Dr. Ryan Bourne.

Health Experts expect the cloud to disappear with today’s rain. That is, unless the water is a contributing factor to the cloud.

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Counterfeiting getting harder to detect http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=150 http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=150#comments Tue, 20 Apr 2010 14:09:31 +0000 Fair City News http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=150

Counterfeit money twice has hard to detect

COLUMBIA, MO—The Duece-Duece counterfeit mastermind continues to wreak havoc on Columbia’s local economy. Columbia police have confirmed multiple cases of counterfeit cash being passed throughout the city already in 2010. Detectives claim they’ve made several arrests but Duece-Duece counterfeit mastermind is still at large.

According to police sketches, the Duece-Duece counterfeiter is a bald white male with a handlebar moustache, 5’ 6” tall who wears a black suit complete with top hat and one bifocal monocle.

Detectives say 20- and 100-dollar bills would seem to be the most commonly counterfeited, however, they’ve seen more and more fake twenty-two dollar bills around town. Giving credence to the growing power of the Mid-Missouri Monopoly moneyman.
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“The Double Douche will be caught. We will find and apprehend this criminal. Until we do we ask that all citizens, vendors and financial institutions not to accept any 22 dollar bills,” said Columbia Police. Since technology is readily available, crooks such as the Duece-Duece are able to produce fake bills to pay for goods and services in everyday life. Unknowing victims are often left empty handed if they take the phony cash.

“I was ringing up some groceries for a fancy lookin’ fella who seemed legit. Nice clothes, funny hat, big ol’ moustache. His total came to $41.50. He handed me two $22 bills and said ‘keep the change’. I was so excited I didn’t even realize that theTreasury Department doesn’t even issue a $22 bill in US currency,” said check out attendant Erica Yochum.

Columbia persons who are exposed to the fake cash are encouraged to report the incident to the nearest authorities so Duece-Duece can be sent to jail and not pass go.

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The Fastest 40 Minutes of Church http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=126 http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=126#comments Tue, 13 Apr 2010 14:05:09 +0000 Fair City News http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=126

Local Church looks to boost following via the Mizzou Basketball team

As attendance rates level off, church officials are looking to new methods of attraction to grow their congregation. One local church in downtown Columbia, The Mid-Missouri Divided Methodist Church, may be on the leading edge of growing their following with a little help from a local celebrity.

With a reputation of having the most exciting basketball in the country, Missouri Tigers basketball coach is being hired a consultant to make church more attractive and entertaining. Already trade marking “The fastest 40 minutes of Church,” the standard hour long service will be cut back 20 minutes. “With a church on every corner, people fear the sermon will be treated as a commodity. We have to differentiate and Mike Anderson is the answer.”

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For Payment, each sermon will begin and end with a reminder to pray about the Mizzou Tigers basketball team.

The Church is also looking to franchise the idea. “Getting 5% of all tithing from churches across the country would be great,” Farris dreams.

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Sobriety Checkpoints a boom for business http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=117 http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=117#comments Fri, 09 Apr 2010 12:32:00 +0000 Fair City News http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=117

Traffic Cones: Some see as an impossible maze; others see dollar signs.

Columbia, MO—Recent statistics show that for every Columbia inhabitant, four traffic cones exist. The rise in traffic cone population is directly related to the numerous construction projects and sobriety checkpoints occurring around the area.

Missouri Department of Transportation officials confirm that approximately 400,000 cones exist within Columbia city limits. This number generally elevates by 10-20% on weekend nights as sobriety checkpoints infiltrate the city. Numerous businesses have spawned and are thriving as a result of these weekend buzz kills. The towing business, breath mint manufacturing and Rent-A-Cop Inc. all depend on Columbia’s focus on safety. “There are sooo many cooones, it loooks like a freakin’ airport. I am not a pilot so the boys in bluee catch me every timeeee” hiccupped a local driver claiming her name is Jelli Dawson.

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Economic stimulus funds are providing the catalyst for highway and thoroughfare improvement, however a side booming business is the cultivation of new traffic cones. The true origin of the traffic cone is not truly understood. Most agree that they are manufactured and distributed, however, some organizations–such as theTraffic Cone Preservation Society–suggest the Conus originates from an ancient squid known as Polypodis narensis.

“I don’t know, I’ve never seen so many cones appear at once. Maybe they are a living species and multiplying in construction environments where they thrive… Or maybe a dude in a truck drops them off. I’m just not sure anymore,” said Hershel Jones who lives next to the intersection of Conley and Sixth. He continued, “If they are an alien life form, I hope they introduce me to Dan Akroyd and Jane Curtain.”

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Downtown Cameras watch more than Criminals http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=111 http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=111#comments Thu, 08 Apr 2010 14:04:35 +0000 Fair City News http://columbia.faircitynews.com/?p=111

Downtown cameras: Making money and taking names.

Proposition 1, allowing downtown cameras for surveillance, passed on Tuesday with almost 60% of the vote. Voters, known for not actually reading the fine print, granted approval without knowing the cost, how many cameras would be used, where they should be placed. Taking a closer look at the proposition revealed the answers.

In these tough economic times, it forces people to be creative with sources of revenue and this is no exception. “We plan to create a variety of websites highlighting short video clips of the best (or worst) behavior downtown,” explained a city official. “What is better than trying to watch a smashed kid try and figure out how to get home?”

They have already hired a video editor, social media expert and people to provoke the entertaining behavior late at night. A facebook fan page, twitter account, Youtube, and submissions to such popular sites such as collegehumor.com should provide plenty of funding for the cameras. They plan to share some of the revenue and video with middle school alcohol awareness programs in the area.

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Looking through city records, we found they have already purchased the domains of: comodrunks.com, mugirlsgonewild.com, downtownbrawls.com, hookupsfail.com, thatsyourdaughter.com and others not fit for print.

Initial reaction from Mizzou students is positive. “We are like so excited! All of my sorority sisters and I are like strategizing how to get on the site! It is like a contest!” said a giddy Amber Engert.

Cameras should be deployed in the coming months but rumor has it a few already exist and video clips could start showing up anytime.

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