El Maguey took their hot sauce too far. Obviously.

Columbia, MO- Residents living in the Southside of Columbia woke to the sound of sirens yesterday morning as a fire broke out in El Maguey Restaurant.

Initial reports are fuzzy but Fair City News reporters are learning that El Maguey’s secret recipe for salsa may be revealed in the catastrophe. El Rancho, Tequila’s and Taco Bell representatives were all seen hovering around the scene like vultures trying to learn anything they could about the competition. “I don’t know why we didn’t think of using fire for our hot sauce, it is genius. Well, at least it was until today,” said Tony Black, a Taco Bell executive.

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Others were simply disappointed, “It is a shame El Maguey felt their hot sauce wasn’t hot enough. You never play with fire because someone or something is going to get hurt,” says local mother and Mexican food expert Luisa Jiminez.

Fortunately, the fire didn’t harm the margarita machines and the firemen responding to the call rewarded themselves with a nice treat. “Man, I wish every fire had a happy ending like this,” exclaimed a satisfied Len Gaus.

Emoticons help ease life's harsh messages

Jefferson City, MO—A local Chinese restaurant is using emoticons to break unfortunate fortune cookie messages to customers. Several diners at the River Dragon on were introduced to the new after dinner traditional snack and had mixed emotions.

“’:) You make a bad day worse ’ was my awful message when I cracked open the fortune cookie. The happy face emoticons distracted me from the gloomy fortune and I was smiling until Herb, who was eating with me, pointed out his fortune,” said Cody Yula, a frequent customer of the restaurant.

The River Dragon claims that not all fortune cookies produce encouraging or fruitful messages. Management claims that they want to “give it to the customers straight” and not sugar coat the realities of life. However, they did decide to soften the harsh realities by bookending the cryptic script with fun, flirty emoticons.

“Ah yeah, mine said ‘:P You will have no problems in your house ’ which was cool until I realized all of the problems I might encounter after leaving my house. The tongue–out emoticon really caught my attention and gave me pause,” said Herb Gentry, Yula’s lunch buddy.

“How am I suppose to take this ‘;) A great sum of money is coming your way ’? I was laid off last March and my savings are depleted…but I do enjoy the winking smiley face. Its as if this fortune knows me. Right fortune cookie a great sum is coming my way, gotcha,” said Joanne Fredricks, a single mom of two struggling to make it day-to-day.

River Dragon suggests reading the fortune message in different tones of voice to truly appreciate the intent of the copy. For example, ‘>:| You are respected among peers >:|’ could be read with an emphasis/question on the first word such as, “>:| You are well respected among peers? >:|”

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