Counterfeit money twice has hard to detect

COLUMBIA, MO—The Duece-Duece counterfeit mastermind continues to wreak havoc on Columbia’s local economy. Columbia police have confirmed multiple cases of counterfeit cash being passed throughout the city already in 2010. Detectives claim they’ve made several arrests but Duece-Duece counterfeit mastermind is still at large.

According to police sketches, the Duece-Duece counterfeiter is a bald white male with a handlebar moustache, 5’ 6” tall who wears a black suit complete with top hat and one bifocal monocle.

Detectives say 20- and 100-dollar bills would seem to be the most commonly counterfeited, however, they’ve seen more and more fake twenty-two dollar bills around town. Giving credence to the growing power of the Mid-Missouri Monopoly moneyman.
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“The Double Douche will be caught. We will find and apprehend this criminal. Until we do we ask that all citizens, vendors and financial institutions not to accept any 22 dollar bills,” said Columbia Police. Since technology is readily available, crooks such as the Duece-Duece are able to produce fake bills to pay for goods and services in everyday life. Unknowing victims are often left empty handed if they take the phony cash.

“I was ringing up some groceries for a fancy lookin’ fella who seemed legit. Nice clothes, funny hat, big ol’ moustache. His total came to $41.50. He handed me two $22 bills and said ‘keep the change’. I was so excited I didn’t even realize that theTreasury Department doesn’t even issue a $22 bill in US currency,” said check out attendant Erica Yochum.

Columbia persons who are exposed to the fake cash are encouraged to report the incident to the nearest authorities so Duece-Duece can be sent to jail and not pass go.

“I see them (Sam’s Club) lowering prices and there is no turning back!” Exclaimed Lauren Miller with a fire in her eye. Her story is very similar to many others trying to fit 4 carts down an aisle made for 3. Further, many patrons have loaded their carts beyond capacity extending into other’s personal space.

“I am not wasting my time waiting for someone to think before purchase, time is money. Besides, NASCAR will be on soon and lord knows I am not missing that,” said a frustrated Kyle Youngfield. He is also not alone, but his lack of patience has turned many Sam’s Club customers into University Hospital customers. Injuries are often broken ankles and legs, but they are turning psychological.
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“It is a very serious issue we are addressing among our members, said store manager Tom Conroy, “Not only is it dangerous, but those are sales we are losing as the ambulance drives away.” Many have added some form of cart etiquette is needed to maintain a level of order. A highway for carts has even been proposed along with the new addition to bypass the clothing and outdoor section to get straight back to the grocery and alcohol sections of the store.

While many think the grocery carts painted as NASCAR cars were for kids, others believe there is a hidden message behind the facade.