Kim Spanish of the Chihuahua Chalupas

basketball in Mexico. The announcement has left the Tiger basketball nation reeling.

Terms of the deal are still be negotiated but a large percentage of his pay will be in the form of burritos.

However, Kim Spanish (formerly Kim English) doesn’t want to completely abandon his Columbia heritage. He and late night downtown favorite, El Rancho Mexican Restaurant, have worked out a sponsorship deal where Kim is required to get a tattoo of the restaurant on his shooting/eating hand. El Maguey lost the bidding war for this prime placement and has no interest in the other hand.

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“I watched Sam Bradford of Oklahoma get hurt and I just can’t take that chance,” Spanish told FCN. “I like to stand out from other players and can’t think of a better way than to play in Mexico. No one else does that.” Coach Mike Anderson couldn’t be reached for comment but the University Registrar has confirmed Spanish is sitting in on Spanish classes the rest of the semester.

In a touch of irony, his high school basketball coach from Maryland

had the name of Kim Rivers. The coach of his new team, the Chihuahua Chalupas, has the name of Kim Mountains.

Kim Spanish will start practice in Mexico starting June 1 and plans to play for Mexico in the 2012 London Olympic games.

Google Fiber is pumped into homes, helping users go 100x faster than before

Columbia, MO—Local government officials have unanimously approved a resolution to support the city’s participation in the Google Fiber Communities project to increase “download regularity”.

“Chronic web constipation is a problem I face everyday. Getting stopped up while downloading a movie is something I just can’t stomach,” said Joey Saddle, sophomore at the University of Missouri.

According to its website, Google is looking for communities to try an ultra-high speed fiber product to help control irritable download symptoms. Several benefits are listed online for interested municipalities, however, Google is mainly concerned with number 2: plumbing an underground fiber product into homes to remove gummy Internet substances that only act as browsing roughage.

Under the new program, users will be able to go 100 times faster than what most Americans are capable of today. “That’s a shat-ton faster than what I’m used to cranking out when I sit down,” said Julie Simmons, an avid downloader of music.

Google plans to add fiber to select communities slowly at first to avoid problems with Internet hiccups. Exposure to an abundance of fiber while surfing the web without proper hydration by users can create an obstruction and require medical attention.

“The Fiber Communities project can ease certain downloading disorders when applied properly. If you have Internet problems, consult your doctor before adding a fiber supplement to your browsing lifestyle,” said Google CEO Eric Schmidt.

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A movie consumer picks up overpriced movies from a Netflix kiosk at a local video store

Columbia, MO – A local movie rental company believes their business model is sound. It just needed some tweaking to compete with Netflix and Redbox in the Mid-Missouri market.

“People love shopping at video rental stores,” said local Movie Holla’ Manager Dewey Dom. “The drive to the store, the smell of it, arguing with friends over what movie to get, differentiated pricing among new and old movies, long checkout lines, the movie drop-box and of course late fees. It’s a total experience that Netflix and Redbox cannot duplicate ”

Still, with sales lagging causing the closure of several local video rental stores, Dom knew he had to do something. His groundbreaking idea now being tested in his Columbia store has Movie Holla’ executives hopeful it may save the company from its recent bankruptcy.

“We’re taking Netflix and Redbox on,” Dom said. “We’re installing a Redbox machine in the store as we speak, and I am going to sign the store up for Netflix in the next couple days.”

Dom said Movie Holla’ customers soon will be able to browse Netflix’s massive selection of movies at a computer terminal in-store.

Once they choose a movie, Netflix will send it to the store and Movie Holla’ will contact the customer to come pick it up and pay for it. Netflix rentals will cost $7.95 for five days. Late fees are $1 a day.

“People pay a minimum of $8.99 for a month of Netflix,” Dom said. “Now you can get the movie you want for five full days for a dollar less. Even with a one-day late fee you are looking at saving four cents.”

Dom said customers not wanting to wait to get the latest movies in the mail can use the in-store Redbox machine for instant satisfaction. Redbox movies run $1 for one day, but Movie Holla’ will charge a $5 convenience fee.

“People keep saying, ‘How are traditional movie rental stores ever going to compete with the Netflixes and Redboxes of the world?’” Dom said. “I think our solution speaks for itself.”

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Columbia, MO—Local residents were reportedly forced into a strange and unexpected time warp Sunday which may be linked to an ancient tradition of sun worship. Several residents experienced the movement of time and space by exactly one hour.

“I woke up and started getting ready when I noticed that my phone and computer clocks were reporting a time of 8 am, while my wrist watch was showing a time of 7 am. I realized that my digital equipment was likely hijacked by alien beings from space,” said Luke Stiller, a local mule trainer.

Sarah Quid, Another troubled SGFer confessed, “I work an overnight nurse shift at Columbia Regional hospital and toward the end of my shift all the clocks jumped from 2:00 am to 3:00 am. I mean everywhere, it was really, like, freaky and stuff. I better get paid for that missing hour, I’m just sayin’…”

Some Columbia residents expressed concern that the younger generation is experiencing a time change. Helen Hopkins, 89, said that all of her electronic clocks, hand-wound clocks and even her sundial are reporting the same time measurements. Mrs. Hopkins owns no digital time tracking devices.

Hopkins believes that the others were not thrown forward into an alien controlled time warp, rather that they had merely experienced the automatic recording of time as “daylight’s savings time” is now observed. Reports show the existence of Daylight saving time, however Hopkins insisted that this was daylight’s savings time as “this is when the days start putting away time for a future need.”

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