Columbians seeking Newman

his not being classified. Unfortunately, unlike most of the online classifieds he represents, Mr. Newmark was not for sale. Even worse, his laptop, clothes and watch were not classified either.

Interviewing attendees after the show, FCN found a majority were interested in Newmark himself, not what he had to say. “The men seeking men and women seeking men sections were blowing up in the “Columbia/Jeff City” Craigslist page so I just assumed this is where I should be,” remarked a disappointed Ben Billon. “I don’t really interact with people related to Craigslist unless there is some form of cash only commerce going on, it was awkward.”
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“He consistently preached the value of his service but I don’t think his Armani suit was purchased on craigslist. He is a walking contradiction,” observed a confused Ale Beltran. “You would think the CEO would use his own service.”

Local newspaper editors could be seen shaking their heads at another revenue stream that has disappeared in the last decade. “Our classifieds section was the envy of the region, now we only have 80+ year old women selling their Lincoln town cars and their cat,” a Columbia Herald sales rep confessed.

Editors note: Unfortunately, the Fair City News reporter covering the story, only heard half of the keynote speech as the reporter’s scooter—found on craigslist—broke down several times en-route. On a positive note, the reporter was able to find a repairman from the Automotive services section of Craigslist.com.

Add Sheet actually composed of multiple pages

Columbia, MO – In a lawsuit long time in the making, The Add Sheet is being sued for false Advertisement. Violating its claim every Wednesday morning of being a single sheet and offering a booklet of ads, this case could affect many local businesses and the consumers who live off the multiple sheets of discounts.

The Add Sheet management is scrambling to find all coupons it offers relating to law services. Unfortunately, the only legal ads in publication are for DWI offenses.

On the notion that The Add Sheet might disappear, Columbia resident Will Chalmers said, “Wait, so I might have to pay full price for something? This is not good. Long live The Add Sheet, or Sheets, for that matter.”

The legal services of Mizzou JD and MBA Eric Basso are representing the plaintiff, who is choosing to remain unnamed. Citing the Liebeck v. McDonald’s Restaurants case of 1994, if Coffee can be too hot, The Add Sheet can offer too many deals.

Local Add Sheet Representatives declined comment and seem to have their hands tied as free mystic tans and discounted cookies aren’t going to change this verdict.

“If you are in the business of advertising, you would think they could have considered this, “remarked a frustrated Amelia Meyers with a tear forming in her eye. “That bright yellow symbol of culture in Columbia was the only ray of sun I had all winter.” Others are concerned the trash pickup industry would be hurt by the lack of ad sheets as well. In the meantime, people are encouraged to start facebook groups and twitter accounts to voice opinions.

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Ignorant Redbox users line up to waste others precious life

Columbia, MO—Located at area McDonald’s, groceries and other heavily trafficked areas, Redbox vending machines are magnets for long lines of indecisive cretins.

“I was in line for 10 minutes to get one movie! Just let me in and I can get my video and get out,” said Columbia native Joey Harbong. When presented with a renting opportunity, Redbox users are notorious for taking an exorbitant amount of time to choose a movie, then take even longer navigating the touch screen and credit/debit card reader.

Redbox users are usually found clumped together outside of a QSR restaurant waiting for their turn to tackle the Redbox challenge and are forced into awkward small talk or tend to avoid conversation altogether.

“I swear this lady had no business being outside her home, much less at a 21st century vending machine,” said Harbong, “there should be a preferred customers line for those who know what they want, are smart enough to use the machine and who have the appropriate method of payment, not a gas card. Are you freaking kidding me? This $1 rental has cost me precious minutes of my life wasted by someone who likely cannot operate a VHS machine!”

Harbong’s negative experience renting a Redbox DVD was multiplied by his attempt to return the disc. “So I come back to return the dang thing and there is a line one mile long. People are going into Mac-D’s and returning to eat a BigMcAngusPounder while they wait in line. I literally had 10 minutes to return my piece of crap DVD before I rang up another $1 late charge. You can’t ever pay me to go back to that renting hell.”

DVD renters who seek a simple and carefree experience are encouraged to consider other options before attempting to rent from one of these ignorance cesspools. Doctors suggest calculating the true cost of the $1 rental vs. the cost of  primordial frustrations.

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A movie consumer picks up overpriced movies from a Netflix kiosk at a local video store

Columbia, MO – A local movie rental company believes their business model is sound. It just needed some tweaking to compete with Netflix and Redbox in the Mid-Missouri market.

“People love shopping at video rental stores,” said local Movie Holla’ Manager Dewey Dom. “The drive to the store, the smell of it, arguing with friends over what movie to get, differentiated pricing among new and old movies, long checkout lines, the movie drop-box and of course late fees. It’s a total experience that Netflix and Redbox cannot duplicate ”

Still, with sales lagging causing the closure of several local video rental stores, Dom knew he had to do something. His groundbreaking idea now being tested in his Columbia store has Movie Holla’ executives hopeful it may save the company from its recent bankruptcy.

“We’re taking Netflix and Redbox on,” Dom said. “We’re installing a Redbox machine in the store as we speak, and I am going to sign the store up for Netflix in the next couple days.”

Dom said Movie Holla’ customers soon will be able to browse Netflix’s massive selection of movies at a computer terminal in-store.

Once they choose a movie, Netflix will send it to the store and Movie Holla’ will contact the customer to come pick it up and pay for it. Netflix rentals will cost $7.95 for five days. Late fees are $1 a day.

“People pay a minimum of $8.99 for a month of Netflix,” Dom said. “Now you can get the movie you want for five full days for a dollar less. Even with a one-day late fee you are looking at saving four cents.”

Dom said customers not wanting to wait to get the latest movies in the mail can use the in-store Redbox machine for instant satisfaction. Redbox movies run $1 for one day, but Movie Holla’ will charge a $5 convenience fee.

“People keep saying, ‘How are traditional movie rental stores ever going to compete with the Netflixes and Redboxes of the world?’” Dom said. “I think our solution speaks for itself.”

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Columbia, MO—Local residents were reportedly forced into a strange and unexpected time warp Sunday which may be linked to an ancient tradition of sun worship. Several residents experienced the movement of time and space by exactly one hour.

“I woke up and started getting ready when I noticed that my phone and computer clocks were reporting a time of 8 am, while my wrist watch was showing a time of 7 am. I realized that my digital equipment was likely hijacked by alien beings from space,” said Luke Stiller, a local mule trainer.

Sarah Quid, Another troubled SGFer confessed, “I work an overnight nurse shift at Columbia Regional hospital and toward the end of my shift all the clocks jumped from 2:00 am to 3:00 am. I mean everywhere, it was really, like, freaky and stuff. I better get paid for that missing hour, I’m just sayin’…”

Some Columbia residents expressed concern that the younger generation is experiencing a time change. Helen Hopkins, 89, said that all of her electronic clocks, hand-wound clocks and even her sundial are reporting the same time measurements. Mrs. Hopkins owns no digital time tracking devices.

Hopkins believes that the others were not thrown forward into an alien controlled time warp, rather that they had merely experienced the automatic recording of time as “daylight’s savings time” is now observed. Reports show the existence of Daylight saving time, however Hopkins insisted that this was daylight’s savings time as “this is when the days start putting away time for a future need.”

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